david taus

Chalkdust Torture

music: Ben Harper- The Will To Live

When David came back from his trip this summer he knew there would be some major transitions and adjustments to make come fall. He knew that he would be buckling down and putting in some long hours teaching. He knew that to some extent he would have to put his own interests and pursuits aside and make room for Mr. Taus, his industrious, hard-working counterpart. David knew this going into his first year of teaching, but when it came time to scrub in and get his hands dirty he was unprepared for the full extent of what his job would demand.

I’ve been told that one of my most valuable character traits is my propensity to work at projects until they are complete. I’ve been told that one of my most annoying character traits is my attention to detail and my need to work until everything is exactly as it should be. Finishing what I begin…producing quality…I’m good at that sort of thing. To a fault. I often charge forward and push with blind and maddening force when, by all rights, I should stop, rest, regroup, restrategize. I’m one to put a couple holes in the wall before I hit the stud. I’m one to spend 20 minutes packing my hiking pack, make water and snacks accessible, and hike at a rediculous pace for three hours straight. I’m driven. I work singlemindedly. To a fault.

David has all but disappeared. There is nothing but Mr. Taus these days, and if it’s any concilation by all measures Mr. Taus is doing pretty well. (Mr. Taus’ students are another story…and could that mean that Mr. Taus actually isn’t doing that well?) It comes, however, at a great expense. He is able to at least meet his own expectations for himself as a competent and sometimes decent high school teacher, but it is taking its toll.

These days work is on average 12 hours door-to-door, plus a good chunk of one weekend day. The energy and exertion required generally leave me completely spent, pretty uninterested in getting up and doing anything. And even if some part of me thinks it would be nice to get out of the house the rest of me is in dire need of rest. This week was especially tough: the end of the first quarter. I spent the majority of my “free” time grading notebooks, tests, and projects. 15 hours on my day off on Thursday, 3 hours Friday night, 8 or so hours yesterday, and 10 hours today. Some utilitarian moments stuck in there for hygiene, elimination of waste, and metabolic function, and a healthy amount of sleep (at least there’s that). Mr. Taus has been a machine, grading and planning enough to satisfy his own need to do things right. David has been too beaten down to make much noise about it.

This can only go so far. I can deny myself myself for so long before things start to go bad for both David and Mr. Taus. David’s been suffering for a while, I realize, but it’s only when Mr. Taus starts to feel the effects of such a push that I begin to think about readjusting priorities. I’ve switched into survival mode for the past two-odd months: be sure I’ve eaten something, be sure I’ve slept enough to make it through tomorrow, try to break a sweat at least twice a week, do something social but only because it would be good for me and not because, all else being equal, I really want to. I come home after school and coocoon. I’m even a ghost around the house. I really want to hibernate, sleep for a month straight. Instead I’ve been contending with the end of the quarter, increasing demands from school, and shortening days that leave me literally in the dark for the majority of my waking hours. My mental health is taking a nose dive, but all I can do is switch into survival mode and keep it together enough for Mr. Taus to make it through tomorrow. And hopefully begin to think about the day after.

I’ll stop venting in just a minute.

This wouldn’t be happening if I were working at something that benefited myself directly, or benefited some faceless, abstract group or institution. This is happening because I’m accountable to 65 teenagers, many of whom have never been cut a break in their life or had many people believe that they are worth anything. This is for them. They deserve at least what I’m able to squeeze out of myself for the sake of Mr. Taus. They take their emotinal toll as well, often leaving me wondering what it might take to have them believe in themselves enough to realize even a little bit of their potential and become positive, contributing citizens of this planet. And I’m put in the position of being a pain in their ass as a means of helping them get there. Their psychic residue follows me home; I can’t shake their presences and personalities. I can’t leave them at the office. I’m not under the illusion that I can singlehandedly reorient these teenagers, but it doesn’t matter. I have to do something.

Mr. Taus is doing OK. He’s even gotten some pretty nice compliments from his principal and some of the students. He’s doing OK. But David is suffering. David is sustained dreaming of a respite from this toil: Australia in June, 2005. The scrapping for psychic territory will continue to be fought, but when Mr. Taus has 65 angry teenagers at his back and David has only his selfish interests, certain outcomes are inevitable. All the while I will try to reconcile these two universes and patch the leaks through which my mid-20’s are trickling.

Posted by davidtaus at November 14, 2004 10:30 PM