And so, I take a moment for introspection.
Time has swiftly carried me forward, and with each new day, I must reconsider, I must re-evaluate my priorities. Yes, I am without a permanent job, and cash flow is low, but surely there are those things that must perpetuate beyond the challenge of hunting for work, or of working in general… What then deserves my energies? Is it best to concentrate on Being? Is it best to continue fine-tuning my body for sport? Can I build something with my hands, a project perhaps; as in an overhead awning on the fire escape attached to my room to provide a porch when it rains? Should I re-connect with a distant friend, or breathe new air into an old idea. When time escapes me as quickly as it is has recently, I have to remember to make REAL time. But then again, what is “real”?
In my last meeting, we took 20 minutes to sit. I used that time to breathe consciously, and purposefully. I inhaled to a mantra, and exhaled to a mantra. With each new breath, I focused on pushing the new oxygen to different parts of my body—to my feet, and then through to my thighs; to my arms and throughout my chest and back; finally I filled my neck and head. And as soon as I was able to relax the space behind my eyes, I opened them to find that 20 minutes had magically passed. I felt refreshed and tired at the same time. While I focused on my breathing, I put special attention to my own weight and the position of my body. I felt my seat under me, the pressure of my crossed legs against each other, and i felt the stillness of my hands folded within eachother, fingertips gently pressing my own soft skin; and I could hear the sounds—the fan in the corner of the room, the distant dog bark beyond the window and down the street, the footsteps of those passing by the hallway near our room, eventually I heard the breathing of others in our circle, and soon after, my own heart beat became audible. At this point, when I could hear myself, I tried to inhale and exahle to every 8 beats of my own being, and for the first time in a long while, I felt fully present in a very real way.
Feeling very much alive in one’s own body is a very “real” quality of being. It is not necessarily something I can fully share in words with someone and do it proper justice, but I’ve found that bringing attention to my body is my first tangible departure from my otherwise procured lens of perogative, and hence, I arrive at a place of more objectivity. By that I mean NOT that anyone can feel what I feel in my own body, nor that we all feel the same way in these moments, but rather, I am at a place observing myself without wishing or wanting it to be different; there is no element of my own subjectivity running the show.
When I am aware of what I bring to the world AS I bring it, then that to me is a very Real moment. And in Real moments, by definition, there is a kind of honest observation—an observing things as they are, without clutter of my curiosities, or imagination, or bias. Simply put, this is “presence”, and further, this is “paying attention.” There is always cost involved in generating attention. Payment for attention is a very real thing. For starters, it takes great energy to hold one’s attention on anything, especially one’s self. And to hold this energy, great & frequent practice is also necessary. The mind wants to wander, and skip to and fro. It would rather drift in thoughts, from one thing to the next, than to sustain its focus. But bringing attention to the body, as hard as it is, is a field for practice, a starting place for strengthening one’s aptitude for attention. The real challenege is paying real attention to myself in action, specifically during my interpersonal interactions and conversations with others, including body langugage and gesture. And so, as this 20 minute sitting session came to its close, and my eyes were opened, one person in the circle made a suggestion:
“Now, having relaxed, and brought attention to the body, let us hold that attention, and remain present, as we open ourselves to questions and dialogue with eachother.”
With my eyes now open, I could feel my thinking sprint from thought to thought: the color of her blouse, the shape of his jaw, the oscillation of the fan, the bright of the overhead light, the sound of her voice, the color of his shoes. I was so easily caught in interest, caught in feeble curiosities. There was such an influx of impressions, that I quickly forgot about my breathing, about the feel of my seat beneath me. I couldn’t sustain attention on my body while my eyes were open to people around me, nor while my ears were listening to these people speak, nor while my brain tried to engage people’s ideas. I hadn’t the practice for it. But I felt lucky just to have recognized this. And so I asked the group:
“I have trouble keeping attention on my body, on my presence, while I interact with the conversations of the group. How can I know that I am present in conversation? What can I do to work on this effort, to keep present to others?”
I was told that “with three, real work can begin.” The original translation from Gurdjieff was that “with three, I can do”. But the message is the same: if we can hold attention in three places at once, we’ll be sure to know in that moment that we are capable of real presence. That is, we are open to things as they are in that moment, truly hearing without wanting or imagining our experience to be different than it actually is. Attention can be spent in many ways, and the task of the “worker” is to strive to sustain three efforts at once. Such efforts include: purposeful breathing, feeling one’s seat beneath them, listening to the sound of one’s own voice while one speaks, feeling the pulse of one’s heartbeat, hearing the sound of silence (you know, that certain timbre or hum that lies in the absence of other, more noticeable sounds), and finally, peripheral vision. There most certainly are other ways/kinds of holding attention, but these are the ones most readily accessible to me, as a young man working on himself. Trying to hold three at once is a real challenge, but this will be my next effort it seems, if I am to improve the breadth and depth of my being.
If I can sustain this kind of right attention, then I can see for myself if my thinking and if my engaging with/of other people becomes more appropriate. I can see for myself if I am in better control of my reactions, of my promises to myself and to others, of my emotional expressions, and of my sincerity. With this kind of effort, I can strive to bring pause to my most important daily moments (eg., those I share with others) and try to be truly there for another person as they are, without assuming them otherwise, or imposing myself on them for my own gain or amusement. But of course… this is so, so difficult; something i could barely do in my sitting group when my sole effort was to TRY to be attentive. I know I will have many days ahead of failing to even remember to try. But I have made another first step here, and this decision has come from understanding. For that much I am thankful. And with that much, I will move forward in time.
I should like to speak about peripheral vision very soon….
Posted by bell at August 13, 2008 10:05 AM | TrackBack