One of my closest friends, and I love him to death, lives as if the world is out to get him. Its as if all the forces, of nature and of people, are suddenly surmounting this surprise attack on him, and the fear and the suspicion in him creeps out (quite unpredictably!) during the day in the most simplest, most innocent, most harmless kinds of situations. Someone didn’t respond to an email— they’re out to get him. Someone cut him off on the road— they’re out to get him. Someone parked in his parking spot— they’re out to get him.
What a troubling outlook… And I’m beginning to see this energy as a seething epidemic. For starters—and I speak for myself & several of our mutual friends— we all tend to feel as if we’re walking on broken glass around this person, trying to identify what mood he’s in, and determining how to best cater our energy to his needs. Its actually emotionally laborious, and exhausting— I often feel worn out just mitigating the weight of his negativity, to the point where I feel myself growing temperamental, and irritable. And quite disastrously, i’ve realized now how I’ve allowed myself to be engrossed by the same “Funky-McFunkness” at times. I use my language purposefully as I say, I must admit its ultimately my choice to adopt new behaviors, and that no one but Me is making me adopt my friend’s (occasional) grim attitude…
But being around it so frequently certainly increases my chances of letting down my guard, and succumbing to and even perpetuating the same negative energy in my own behaviors and attitudes. I get stuck in this rut of blaming, of being bitter, of carrying a chip, of having an accusatory tone for no good reason at all. Its a tricky thing. And I have to ask myself, “why?” and “for what good?”
When my friend is in his “funk”, and complaining about things beyond his control, as a passenger in the car I tend to just agree and continue to stare out the window (ie., “yeah, you’re right, that guy in that truck is a real jerk!”). It’s the simplest thing to do, and I avoid stirring up some argument that I’m not trying to get into. But I’m not really confronting the root of the problem, which quite frankly is, the process of interpretation in my friend. I mean, really, I should be saying: “Dude, let it go. You know that kind of stuff is not worth getting worked up about.” Or even, “Bro, listen, it’s time to get solution oriented.” And the few times I try, one of three things usually happens.
[a] Either I find myself having to defend some naturally occuring situation (ie., “maybe that guy’s wife is in the hospital, giving birth, and he’s weaving through traffic to get there in the nick of time!” :P), and suddenly I’m being some proponent for some scenario that I’m not really invested in. And why do they call it being a “devil’s advocate” anyways?? Regardless, it comes across as if I’m ALWAYS positioning my friend in the wrong, and privileging some random stranger over and against my friend at every chance I get…
[b] Or this neutral catch-22 occurs, where I tell my friend to let it go, and he then turns to me and insists, “dude, I’m just fine. You don’t think I’m really bothered by that, do you? Why would you say that? I mean, come on dude, I know its not a big deal, I’m just saying.”… and suddenly he’s getting worked up, just trying to explain that he’s not worked up— and now I feel like I’m just pushing buttons, apparently falsely accusing him, making an issue of nothing (though we ALL know, these flailing comments of his happen often enough, that its an issue!).
[c] Or lastly, more times than not, the response gets turned on me: “Whatever Bell, don’t tell me you wouldn’t get mad if someone did this, that, or this to you… Remember when you…” and suddenly its about me, and I’m the bad guy, the one who can’t seem to EVER side with his buddy, the one who is apparently in NO position to have a valid & insightful perspective because my friend remembers a time when I reacted negatively to a similar issue 3 years ago! I mean, honestly, what kind of crap is that??? A logician would be embarrassed by such an argument… People grow, deepen and develop and if a negative person is going to resist sincere & friendly intervention and continue to be difficult, I think I’d rather let you keep to your negative thoughts, while I look out the window—but then its a loss for ALL of us! I really think of the three outcomes, this third one occurs the most often. (The great philosopher Ouspensky once said ‘the last thing people want to give up is their own suffering.’) My friend has a special ability to deflect cause for introspection, and to compound the negative energy he exudes by surmounting a stifling counter attack. Suddenly, I’m defending myself, trying to set straight some OLD story, getting riled up, feeling misinterpreted, or misunderstood and while the real issue at hand fades from focus, I’m left to be the one feeling blame for the eternal unease that my friend interally harbors.
(To interject, let us remember that we ALL do these kinds of things. Rarely, are we ABOVE projecting negatively onto the world, and we all have examples of doing so in our past… but the point is that we need eachother to ‘wake us up’ out of our moments of funk, and to help us recognize when such instances arise… allowing us to begin the internal investigation process of discovering why and how those views creep up in us, and figure out what to do about it!).
Don’t get me wrong. Often its the case that this friend of mine is the funniest, most considerate one in the whole lot. The guy would give his right hand for you, and not think twice. But I think with that emotional sensitivity comes a kind of volatility that, compared to someone like me who antecendently lives at a slight contemplative remove from most daily events, has trouble ignoring. And more often than not, there are clear justifications for why he feels the way he does, but it can’t be healthy to take things so personally. And it certainly isn’t good to involve other people into that negative sphere— whether he means to or not we’re subject to that energy. It’s almost like second-hand smoking.
Philosophically, I would claim that its ethically irresponsible to haphazardly project negatively onto the world without doing so with purpose, particularly when others are around you. Its one thing to have a negative feeling, and to address it, express it, and confront it in the presence of others. But its an altogether different thing to project carelessly, whimsically, without direction or presence of deeper consciousness. Yes, perhaps its just one’s natural disposition, a way of being in the world that’s developed over time, but more often than not, I believe we see that its the tip-of-the-iceberg effect where he’s expressing a subsidiary symptom of a larger, more central & possibly resolvable disturbance. Harboring these negative views, of feeling attacked or suspicious or neglected or abused, clearly must be a detriment to my friend’s peace of mind. It’s not so much a pity case with him. He’s certainly not looking for pity. But rather, I don’t think he knows what he’s looking for… he’s just stirring & festering in this restless, unresolved energy—and that’s a scary place to be!! To me, I see a philosophical crisis here… and the need for very focused, cerebral, intervention so as to spur the implementation of his own inner conscious work.
I do hope that my friend can get to the point where he grabs his reactions by the reins… In a true moment of consciousness, he once said to me that, “I can’t change who I am, but I want to change the way I hold onto my emotions, to be able to let issues go sooner and not remain so attached” and that’s a good thing, and a great moment of admittance and a even better goal.. but its not sustainable… you feel me? Cutting down a dandelion at its stem, doesn’t stop the weed from coming back next year. Its hard to be around a guy who falls into a funk at a whim… But for the challenge of it, and because I love the guy to death, I want to be the rock that he needs, one that doesn’t make it harder, doesn’t push his buttons, but rather one who is tactful, and is there when and as he needs it… that’s my new goal. I want to resist falling into negative inertia. I want to rise above and travel steady…
Challenging, for sure… but I know the very things that often trigger him, are the weaknesses in my own character (not that OTHER things don’t trigger him too, but those are often outside of my control…). I recognize that I may not be as tactful as I could be. I recognize that my good intentions are quickly stifled by the slightest bit of resistence. When my friend counter attacks/argues, I find myself feeling defensive and as that emotion develops, I start becoming competitive, wanting to win the argument, or ANY argument that may subsequently develop, at the expense of sticking to the original point. My goal to be his “rock” is something I see as an opportunity to both (a) help my friend peel back the layers of his emotional onion, and (b) to control the things in myself that I can, until I reach the point where it’s easy to be the person I want to be…. you dig? It will help us both to take responsibility for our reactions to eachother as they compound in any given situation. Focusing on improving the things in ourselves, where we can, so we can be a stronger resource for the other. Cuz one day, a moment of piddly, funky, negative habit may cause a defining reaction in us that leads to a lifetime of regret. The cure begins with a choice. The results accrue with conscious attention, and we need eachother to help us be attentive.
That’s what’s on my mind these days. That’s how I’m livin’….
Posted by bell at November 28, 2007 02:44 PM | TrackBack