Sometimes when the going gets tough, when i’m not living up to my best, when i catch myself making simple errors in my simple little life, that’s when i sometimes find myself frozen, standing between me and the ten things i feel i have to do that day.
Now is one of those times, and i realize i can’t even bring myself to action without first a verbalization. I need to admit my impasse outloud before the possibility of manifesting right action. The truth is i recently more than ever recognize my lack of permanent will. I can fall into a funk at a moment’s notice. Can’t get up, can’t respond, can’t do whatever it is that is needed of me in a given moment. Groceries ready to be cooked are not bigger than me. Papers ready to be filed are not bigger than me. Clothes ready to be laundered are not bigger than me. A body ready to be toned is not bigger than ME.
I can get up early for work. I can appropriate time for letter-writing. I can do what is asked of me, and I can live up to the things I tell others I will do. It is just me, my word, and my action in this world, and that never changes. I must recognize in every moment my inseparability to these three eternal notions. I must demand more of myself.
I have lived long enough now to see that I am a man of quality. I need no longer seek the easy way out. I am a man of effort. The time i spend avoiding action under the all too comfortable guise of deliberation is time better spent simply on working. I can lift myself up from my spine and walk tall into the crisis of now; inevitably there is something asked of me there. I will not rollover at the sound of this alarm. I cannot. I hurt too much to see me in this way. I will pay as I go, and not have the carpet pulled out from under me because of folly.
My growth in this life will not be violent awakenings; it will not be shocks of an unforeseen nature. I will grow because I am working in every moment I manage to will. I will grow because of this demand on myself to awake by my own efforts. This challenge too is not bigger than me because it is possible within me.
Posted by bell at March 1, 2010 04:24 AM | TrackBack