The Project: constituting self-hood; the experience of Life.
Every once in a while, in words, you capture a fluttering taste of an otherwise indescribable feeling. This was one of those moments. And though the final description never quite does the overall feeling any justice, we somehow feel more settled. If I had my way I’d sit next to anyone who reads anything I write, and blabble on about ‘what I meant here’, and ‘why this part isn’t very good,’ but that’s the joy about writing: when you put the period on, you get to shove your thought out into the abyss, to be analyzed, mediated, (mis-)interpreted, interrogated, and judged by all whom take the time. The vulnerability is almost exciting…
an email excerpt from The Crane Queen
> I can’t understand what I can do to fulfill myself, what is worthy
> of my time, or what I should take chances on and leap toward.
my response (obviously, some subtle references herein are out of context):
“… tell me about it! For me, life’s become trial and error, with much emphasis on the ‘try.’ There are times where I get stuck in a wonderfully/pathetically distracting lifestyle (e.g. ultimate, summer camp, theater, boy scouts, academic decathalon … maybe school for that matter, etc) and I become so associated with one activity, so wrapped up in being committed to life in one way, that I forget my other interests, my other passions, my other dreams. But I’ve learned the lesson that to open new doors, I have to close old ones (just trying to open more doors will burn you OUT). I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the transitions are saddening; afterall your closest friends and fondest memories often emerge from working together in such activities, but I’ve learned that there’s too much in this life that I want to do. There’s too much in this life that I must observe if I’m going to make any sense of it all. And best/worst of all, I don’t really know how much time I’m going to have to do ‘stuff.’ When a new and amazing opportunity comes along, I’m always tempted. I wrestle with myself to make the best decision for me. I contemplate my decision. I think of all the successes and good times I’ve had with/in my current activity, and if I can admit that I’ve been lucky, that i’ve already done more than I thought I could ever do, that what I’m doing is STILL fun, then I can be ready to move on, full well knowing that I can always return (though, to date, I’ve never returned to the activity, just to the people therein — I never lose touch with the people). And after I make the transition through one door to the next, I feel the freeness of living a dream - MY dream!
This isn’t to say that I’m filling myself up, nor is it saying that I know what to fill myself up with, but it’s the way i’ve chosen to take on the world. My inner being, that urge that lives in us, that intuition that is so specific to who I am and how I think/feel, is what I listen to. It’s my guiding compass. It shows me the chances that I CAN take. And then, for better or worse, I think about it, and then I act. Sometimes though, I think I think too much….
… I’m trying to get better about that.”
Posted by bell at April 29, 2005 02:21 PM | TrackBack