bell - a verbalization of consciousness

Anize Con 2008

Last weekend, i found myself in Syracuse, for a competitive frisbee tournament. But, the most
special part of the trip was meeting up with the Anize crew… these are the wizards behind the
curtain who stand guard at night, keeping the Anize interface running smoothly. Here’s a pic of us:

Bell, James, DFC, DBGrandi

Round two (solemn faces): Bell, James, DFC, DBGrandi

Subject: Reflection, Introspection, and Resolution

From: “jacob sale werblow”
Date: Fri, February 8, 2008 11:22 am

(Hatshepsut)

(Best View)

(Pyramids)

“Falling out of love” is just as natural as “falling into love,” but the former,
like having a seesaw partner jump off while you are in mid thrust, tends to be more
bruising. If indeed a cloud of gloom hung over my countenance when I left for
Morocco, soon if not the hand of Zeus lifted me up I did experience some sort of,
well, epiphany.

Was ancient Roman city of Volubilis built in vain or was there some sort of
connection between what lay below my feet and me? Cognitively, we accept that our
lives are merely ink blots on the two million year timeline of humanity. Indeed, we
are an extension of those who came before us — and if our mothers and fathers not be
Romans, then they are Chinese, Nubians, Mesopotamians, Mayans, etc. And from the
looks of the mosaics, hieroglyphics, and statues left behind, they don’t look much
different from us.

Yet time exists beyond linearity. Picture the scene: 31 year old me standing above
2,000 year old mosaics, with the 4.5 billion year old ball of fire we call the sun
above. All three elements existing simultaneously, thus time is multi-dimensional.

(Treasury)

Roughly 400 meters from where I stood, a local sheepherder lives a life that is
little different than that of other herders thousands of years before. At the same
time, old widows who should be enjoying their ‘golden years’ with their
grandchildren are begging in dirty street corners of Tangier; a man crawls through
the market in Asfou because he has no wheelchair; an English teacher in Casablanca
who makes $60 of disposable income a month cannot afford to marry his girlfriend; a
retired national soccer player in Cairo is bored with his marriage; a Berber woman
in the mountains worries about her son’s epilepsy and can’t decipher the doctor’s
prescriptions.

Although each life trajectory is both different in its direction and in its rate of
“progress,” over the last two months, I was astonished time and time again by one
fact: We are so damn similar to each other, regardless of class, race, sexual
orientation, age, and oral hygiene. True, many of us “Westerners” acquire ipods, 300
channel flatscreen televisions, and half-gallon organic soymilk, yet the
similarities of the human race far exceed its differences. This is also true at the
genetic level. But we are so easily duped into thinking others are so unlike us.

So, as the nightly news tunes us into the horrors of humanity, remember that we all
want better things, we all love to laugh, we all crave good food, we all get
discouraged by politics, we all experience heartache, and most of us don’t look like
swimsuit models and that’s okay! Ninety-nine percept of all of the people on planet
Earth are not killing each other nor stealing from their neighbors at this very
moment. Sure, not every social interaction on this trip was lovely, but outside of
the exchange of monetary interaction, friendships can arise so naturally. It’s a
simple message, but if the people in the Middle East aren’t much different than us
then who is? The Quebecqua?

The end.

(Rainy Day)

(Jerash)

(Rabat)

Are we talking dreams or dollars?

Most people are not financially forward thinking however. And not for lack of want or ability either. Firstly, there are simply too many issues, too many options, too many investment vehicles, too many tax laws for an average person to easily wrap their heads around the all of it. Secondly, people have their own lives to attend to—they’re working professionals, with their own aspirations, own families, own priorities—and I understand that; but this makes it impeccably difficult for the average individual to find time to get financially savvy.

Occasionally, buzzing around in our peer groups, we hear this motivating, ever popular riff, declaring that the best person to be looking after one’s finances is one’s OWN SELF, but how much & how often can we seriously manage on our own? And particularly with small business owners, the financial matrix gets so expansive, even Keanu Reeves struggles with it! Understanding the complicated financial world is a full-time job in and of itself, believe me. And by that, I mean such people need to constantly be educated on the new and ever-changing products, and how to routinely maneuver the volatile, yet profitable domestic & international markets. The question is not so much, how do I provide for myself today? No, it’s not simply, how do I afford a home and find ways to spend comfortably…? But rather, how do I get the most bang for every buck that comes through my fingers? And, of course, why is this even important?

I will say one thing, for my friends out there who are keeping basic tabs on their finances, if even just a little bit. There is an old adage in the industry, “the worst financial plan implemented, is better than the best financial plan sitting on the shelf…” In short, a little attention to your finances, goes a long way.

But at the same time, it might be possible that, with professional help, one just might find small ways, or better, macro- ways to improve his/her financial situation—that is to say, re-structuring certain products to work more interrelatedly for maximum reward—for achieving the ambitious dreams one sets out for themselves! (e.g., international travel, or retiring at 55yrs of age, or providing $40k of annual retirement income, or investing in children’s college tuition early, or starting a partnership or passing on a business, etc). I might be getting ahead of myself… I just mean to say, when you’re working with someone to flush out all the goals you’re trying to accomplish, all the facts in your financial situation, and all the available options in the industry, you can discover for yourself if there’s reason to make changes in your investments, or ways of getting that small business dream of yours off the ground once and for all. And if there’s no reason to make changes, at least you have the peace of mind you’re doing a good job, or know who to turn to if your situation drastically changes. Ok… well, that service is the nature of my job, so I’ll get off my soap box. :)

Let’s understand more clearly the world that we’re in. Two generations ago, getting older was easy, financially speaking. You worked hard, thirty years or more at the SAME company; You knew retirement would come at the age of 60-65 years old and you could count on two streams of retirement income: your pension & your social security check. And with a life expectancy of 72 years, those two streams provided convincingly sufficient retirement income for your 7 remaining years of life. However, since the late 80’s, the financial landscape has grown TOO broad, TOO complex to be fully grasped as a part-time hobby… Defined Benefit plans are dropping like flies from employee packages across the country and, with the 1978 rise of the 401k plan and as we celebrate the tenth year of the Roth IRA (Individual Retirement Account), the burden of ensuring the longevity of one’s accumulated retirement assets has officially fallen on the shoulders of the … yep, you guessed it! The individual.

Partly, this is due to the successful advertisement campaign of the 401k, persuading the public to assume responsibility for manicuring their own retirement—hey!, you’ll get better returns with a 401k! You’ll get to put money away tax-free, grow tax-deferred, and we’ll even throw in a dollar-for-dollar employer match!!—meanwhile, in effect, allowing employer accountability to slink into the shadows, no longer having to provide a pension for the life of their employees’ retirement years, and only having to match TODAY’s dollars with whatever few dollars the average employee manages to put away(!). And guess what, when you cash in that 401k, who knows what the U.S. income tax rate will be (currently 35%), but you better believe you’ll be in the highest tax bracket of your life, and you better believe the government is gonna come taxing for its money! So, what of the American dream? The one where you work hard your whole life, and the working economy to follow will take care of YOU in your bygone years. Well, I said this predicament of ours is “partly” the fault of the 401k, but that’s only because the 401k has developed almost out of necessity…

Social Securities and Pensions were great when people worked until they were 65, and died 7 years later. The Baby Boomer generation, however, is an unmistakable anomaly. They are the wealthiest, healthiest generation the world has ever seen! These people are 80 million strong in the US alone, retiring at 50, and living for another 40 years! I read something that says Baby Boomers own 80% of the wealth in the UK, buy 80% of the top range cars, 80% of the cruises and 50% of skin care products. And to boot, the first baby-boomer applied for U.S. Social Security THIS year! When new factors like early retirement and increased average life expectancy hit the stage, this certainly multiplies the dynamic of the situation greatly—with ramifications for the rest of us. When Baby-Boomers were working to supply Social Security for their parents, there were 11 workers in the economy per every retiree. When the BB’s retire, there will be fewer than 4 workers per retiree. And when you configure increased long-term care costs ($6k-$8k per month), and the rise of inflation (e.g., every year is ~3% inflation, which weakens the dollar by half every 15 yrs), I am beginning to see an entire culture of Americans who completely underestimate the inevitable cost of Life. Supplemental retirement strategies are needed, and meanwhile, no company wants to get stuck paying a salary for the full life of these death-defiant baby-boomers!

Well, I’m worried. And I don’t think I’m alone. The unthinkable happens every year to folks we know, folks in our very own neighborhoods and in our very own families. Divorce, losing one’s job, long term care expenses, increased college tuition costs, or worse… debilitating accidents, premature illness, denied insurance claims, the list goes on. And who’s expected to pay for this stuff? The individual. The individual every time. What is the devastating effect this has on a family? This begs the question of how resilient does a family have to be? Or better still, what really is “Financial Independence”???

Maybe the finance sector will become more comprehensible, more user-friendly 20-30 years from now, when U.S. legislature grows more accommodating to the people, becomes more sociable, and retirement & health programs become more guaranteed like Canada, or all the Scandinavian countries or even Great Britain; but as for today, people are liable to be left in the dust if they don’t seek the appropriate counsel for… asset allocation and diversification! That’s the name of the game folks— where to put what money, and for how long? And as individuals, most people spend more time each year planning their vacation, than financially planning the next 30 years of their life… I mean, even if a person takes home $30k per year, every year for a lifetime, that’s well over $1.5 million dollars coming through their fingertips—-who wouldn’t want to make the most of each dollar??? I mean, that’s a lot of “dream” power…

Philosophically, I’ve put myself in a position to be of existential service. And I really believe that. I’ve always wanted to ask the hard questions—the whys, the what ifs, the hows. It’s my full time job to be in “the know” about the finance industry, and one I will continue to take very seriously…mostly cuz it ain’t that easy! All of us in the industry should admit we could never know everything about every product. At my company alone, each advisor wears three hats: (a) Securities Broker/Dealer, (b) Investment Banker, © Insurance Agent. We can offer products across the whole financial board, shopping products from hundreds of different companies, as if we were a black market financial hustler— though we fancy ourselves more like a “one-stop shop solutions provider.” With each knew client I make, I’m guaranteed to learn something new!—because no two financial situations are the same… And that excites me. Keeps the job interesting.

You have to remember that every manufacturer in the market is out to make a profit. That’s the nature of a capitalist economy. Overhead is the bottom line, so to speak. The means for production are privately owned and operated for profit, and at the ever-growing demand to its public stockholders. Whether that manufacturer produces health or life insurance, mutual funds, municipal bonds, or variable annuities, it has an obligation to push its product. And each company, depending on their corner of the industry, employs a different strategy to allocate their profits, often at the expense and certainly to the dislike of the consumer (e.g., profits go to enormous paychecks of CEOs and CFOs and GMs and SVP’s and RVPs etc, etc, etc.). So here’s an easy conundrum. At what point is a representative of a ‘said’ manufacturer limited by the company he works for, limited by the fact that s/he can sell only their own products?? And when is a service of this kind, a detriment to the best interest of the consumer?

Hence the push in the industry for companies like mine to advertise their independence. That is, the ability to help ordinary folks manage their finances while remaining at a safe, almost objective distance from the manufacturing side of things. To make my point more clear, you won’t find North Star Insurance; you won’t find North Star Mutual Funds or Brokerage Accounts… All you’ll find is North Star service. We’re paid on service. Nothing more. We have no product to push—we’re just master manueverers in a never-ending and forever-unfolding market place. It’s a beautiful thing, to relish above the choppy waters below, diving in where we please to catch the best fish for our clients. A consultant sells by educating. And a consultant educates by listening, and asking questions, and rolling up his sleeves to begin shopping for solutions. I know that the best thing I can do as a financial consultant is admit the limits of my expertise, and make sure that I am fully supported by senior associates, with more a specialized understanding, who care about my clients and my development.

I’m willing to bet that when many people hear “finances,” they immediately think one of three things: Stocks, 401k, or Credit Card debt. But the list goes on—savings accounts, mutual funds, bonds, certificates of deposit, Treasury bills, stocks, dividends, traditional IRAs, educational IRA, Roth IRAs, profit sharing, SEP’s, TSA’s, ESA’s, Keogh Plans, 529 Plans, 457 Plans, whole life insurance, universal life insurance, variable life insurance, REIT’s, UGMA’s and UTMA’s and on and on and on…. The best thing I’ve done for myself is to accept the struggle of trying to wrap my head around the all of it. And yeah, I get paid. There are fees and commissions built into ALL of these products, and someone receives the piddly 1-3% off your premium payments no matter what. I figure, if its gonna be an unavoidable expense, it might as well be me out there trying to help my family and friends mitigate this tangled financial web, ya know?

To answer your question, is this about dreams or money games?, the answer is: Dreams. Without question. But nearly every dream pays its homage to start-up cost. And what’s more, in this country, our bureaucrats and lobbyists have a special habit of muddling up our ability to travel the yellowbrick road to the fairytale. For today’s market, its wise to find a financial sherpa you can trust.

Tuned In.

(On being with and for people)

“With has also another quality. You are tuned in to each other. You are in resonance rather than merely being alongside or coming in as noise. What is meant by being tuned in can be felt better than defined. It’s hard to say exactly what it is. It’s more than merely liking the same persons and the same things. Although it is that, and may begin there. You are no longer strangers to each other. You are not wooden and alien stuff to each other, speaking of a different language, broadcasting on a completely different wave length. You hear more than static and noise. You make sense to each other. You feel at home with each other. The tuning in is to each other, and not just a reaction to a beat and throb coming in from some ready-made world. Some people mistake this latter for central-tuning. The central-tuning is this: you are tuned into ‘where each other lives’ — that core within each of you which you keep hidden from most people, and which finally is your integrity. You know some of both the good and the bad in each other, for you have been through many different experiences together. You have some inkling of each other’s life goals. Once in a while each of you speaks out of conviction. You feel each other’s defeats and triumphs. When the other suffers, you suffer with him.”

-from a book: “On Becoming Human”

Defining Accurate 'Consideration'...

GE: You say that: philosophy of consciousness, simply, is the pursuit of wisdom about the self— about the reaches of our understanding, addressing the difficulties in our perceptions and the possibility of cultivating accurate ‘consideration’ for those things around us.

I would like to think I have some sort of consideration for the things around us.

AB: I too think you have accurate, and often authentic consideration. Certainly, more than most.

GE: What do you mean by consideration?

AB: It requires experience and reflection, among other things. P.D. Ouspensky will say it requires ‘New Knowledge’ and a ‘Special School’.

It’s a term I need to define. I will work towards a better definition, but of course the ‘accuracy’ is in HOW one considers. Proper consideration begins after one has understood fully their own habits of perspective.

Each of us falls victim to our own habits— habits of action, habits of thought, habits of relations— and it takes much Work to begin to recognize our own conditioning, our own confounding.

For this Work, you will need a teacher. I can converse with you, and point you to better readings, but these can only prepare your lexicon for more accurate self-study. Such readings will prepare you to be more precise in language with your experience. But with a teacher, you will have an opportunity to learn new knowledge, you will receive instruction on more levels of being. Conversation is organic, and in the midst of a teacher and in the company of other students, you will more accurately be able to self-study.

Only then, after prolonged self-study, will one be able to most accurately ‘consider.’ Why? Because only then will one see things as separate from their own desires and imagination. And only then can one’s consideration be sovereign thought.

GE: How do you reconcile the positive experience of consciousness and
self-cultivation with feeling the pain of the world?

Well, this is no easy task, as you clearly know from your travels. My thesis is hoping to inspire an urgency in those who have the freedom to Work on themselves. It is a rarity that (1) people are given ample freedom to congregate, discuss and strive for self-cultivation, and that (2) people are interested enough and determined enough to put forth the constant energy and attention required for self-cultivation. Surely ANYONE can do it! But some create impossible circumstance, while others fall victim to it.

But rest assured, the first step to reconciling this predicament is one’s own self-improvement. For now, your travels and your recognition of the ‘pain of the world’ can serve to enlarge what Ouspensky calls your ‘magnetic center.’ The magnetic center is essentially the desire in you to self-study, the desire to learn to live to your fullest potential. Some are completely oblivious to empathy. The deep-souled, however, find the ‘pain of the world’ as a compelling source for motivation.

NOTE: A better word might be ‘contemplate’, especially since Ouspensky has a particularly negative association for the term ‘considering’. This, of course, is a translation issue, but I will have to be clear to delineate in all future writings. For now, ‘considering’ will have to do. ;)

Words from My Teacher

“What we read in books, the written word,
is an echo of the original sound. IDEAS are living things
and must be transmitted, person to person,
and planted like seeds in the fertile soil
of a receptive mind.

We can read to prepare our minds, to focus
and tune them like an instrument,
and that is good and necessary.

But the real learning begins at the hands of a teacher
where the line of transmission is continued in
the one who seeks to know.”

~Nancy Chappell

Big Mind

by: Eric Hoffman

Big Mind is Big
And utterly without border,
Whereas in in the Relative World
Creation and Destruction are the order.

However,
In the place where the Ultimate and the Relative converge,
There is an opportunity for man’s penetrating insight to emerge.

To penetrate Big Mind,
Man exerts strength and rests in relaxation.

To penetrate the Relative World,
Man unleashes the power of discrimination.

In Big Mind,
Nothing happening is the norm.

But in the Relative World,
There is a constant, spontaneous arising of form.

If a man truly sees Big Mind,
He will see nothing, clearly.

And if he truly sees the Relative World,
He will see that oil has peaked, or nearly.

Great is a man who can see the two worlds with clarity,
For he who has developed Peak Mind is indeed a rarity.

PS:

-How miraculous it is that nothing has emerged into something, and yet has remained
nothing all along!
-How phenomenal is the human being, who can find that place in himself where
nothingness and somethingness endure forever!
-How weird it is that souls deviated from their heart of hearts and decided to have
a dance with form, only to undergo the process of dancing all the way home!
-How crazy it is that there are an infinite number of finite things, whose nature
under analysis appears to be more like “no-things” thinging!
-How excellent it is that both theism and non-theism are metaphors for the ultimate
Ism that is beyond schism!
-How unbelievable is the awakening of an individual, where the eruption of laughter
and tears are the natural expression of a heart freed of existential tension!
-How excellent are friends who will help you without you even knowing that you are
being helped!

History and Systems, '04.

AB: So, what’s goin’ on?
HC: Not too much. just sitting here. Drifting between the conversations (i.e., Dana talking) and what’s going on inside my head.
AB: Yeah, so about that — what’s goin’ on inside your head? School? Love? Ultimate? Future? Passion? Passion of Christ? Driving? Hunger? Clarity? Confusion? Strife? Success?
HC: Um, … a lot of things. Definitely Passion of Christ. That’s given me a lot to think about. I’m also thinking about where I am in my life. It’s a pretty transitional phase. I don’t have a very firm grasp of “what next,” but I’m also really okay being at this place. I’m dealing with facing some “issues” of mine, and it’s good to do that. I really feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
AB: Let’s play a game. I put a word down & you write the 1st thing (or word or phrase or idea/short idea) that comes to mind, okay? And then, after your response, you put a word for me — and then I write my response, deal? okay — your word is: ….”SELF”
HC: Inside, confused. ….”MIRROR”
AB: Reflection, being at the same place and recognizing it. ….” SHAME”
HC: Complex, is it possible to have none? What is it that causes me to feel shame? …. “BEAUTY”
AB: A refreshing smile from an attractive stranger. How about this — perhaps we should explain each abstract notion as it relates specifically to our life or admit, as you did, that we have no significant relation to the word. …. “OVERWHELMING”
HC: My thoughts feel overwhelming. I feel like I’ve done nothing but think since last Tuesday. While this seems obvious, it’s been a much more intense, very difficult to “turn off” series of thoughts. The only thing that’s made them less overwhelming has been my acceptance of the overwhelming amount of thoughts. …. “LONELINESS”
AB: What I desperately try to avoid, but the more I surround myself w/ people, I wonder if I’m still alone…. “DEPRIVED”
HC: Wow, I haven’t thought a lot about deprivation. I think I’m trying to fight deprivation by experiencing as much as possible. I would’ve been sleep deprived today, but my anthro class was cancelled, so I slept in — till 10:30. …. “FEAR”
AB: The feeling you get when your friend turns around and catches you trying to be sneaky with her pen — that and, the feeling I have about whether or not my decision to not go back to camp this summer is a good one. [aka, making the right decision about lose/lose situations]. …. “LUST”
HC: Definitely a feeling I’m familiar w/. Better when experienced in the context of a significant relationship. I feel like I’ve had a lust for, cheesy as it sounds, Life. There is so much out there, and I want to know it, be it, have it ALL. …. “PASSION”
AB: —loss/absence of thinking. Any situation that exists in the absence of thinking or analysis — pure feeling. I may be passionately lustful, passionately interested/curious, passionately angry (the very rare), etc. I wish I was more passionate. ….”ROUTINE”
HC: (what is stopping you?) Something I sometimes wish I had more of. I like structure. But not too much. I want a flexible, moderately structured routine. …. “PROCEED WITH CAUTION”
AB: Something “cautious” people say — and most mothers. If I’m going to proceed, I’ve already chosen a direction — I might as well proceed w/ vigor! …. “DREAM”
HC: I wish I remembered my dreams more clearly. I wonder what my real life dreams are. What will it take to be satisfied? …. “SATISFACTION”
AB: Superficial — (i.e., the second after you light a bowl or masterbate). Satisfaction is either taking a break, not moving forward — it’s synonymous to a pause. …. “FREEDOM”
HC: Something I see being infringed upon by the government. Something I have to a certain degree, but wish I had more of. I wonder why I’ve been lucky enough to experience it. What is it like to live without freedom? …. “POWER”
AB: A temptation — there are many things that give us reason to live in this world. Power is one. Money another. Success, fame, etc. They are all empty. ….”FULFILLMENT”
HC: Something not all people will experience, something to strive for. Perhaps a developed form of satisfaction. ….”HOME”
AB: Any 120 x 40 yd field. …. “MEN”
HC: Love them, dislike some of them. Beautiful, confusing — secretly complex, yet still simple. …. “WOMAN”

Writing to Whor$hack, Admitting to Self

Hi everyone…

~Belltrite

that skydiving Taffer...

You guys gotta read this… somehow, it’s easily one of the funniest emails I’ve read in a while:

So I went skydiving last week. You need to do this!

I would definitely do it again. This is the 2nd time my co-worker went and she said that the 2nd time is much better cause you know what’s coming and can enjoy it more. But its hard to imagine that my life to me is only worth $140 and a $10 tip.

Bad Faith: the question of courage

So, we’ve been discussing more advanced topics in these last few weeks of Existentialism; topics that really challenge what it means to understand the Self. Some of the most assertive philosophies are proposed by Sartre, as he makes claims about bad faith, and the choice between acting cowardly or acting courageously. A student in one of my discussions picked up on the language, and began to relate this issue to the Self-project and the problems proposed by its inescapable temporality:

“If I usually keep silent in lecture, am I a coward with each new day that I choose to perpetuate the silence? Better still, am I to understand myself as courageous if I suddenly choose to speak out in class one day? How can this be? Don’t we draw on our history each time we act? If I act contrary to my tendency one day, can that action really be said to be a characteristic of me, especially given its anomalous place in my history? Don’t our tendencies play the dominant role in defining the self, in addition to my actions in the fleeting moment? Or am I really to believe that being is SO temporal and wayward as to be only grounded in solitary instances and singular decisions? Further, how should we understand the Self if it is influenced by our habitual past, our expected future, and the immediate (and often unpredictable) choices of the moment?”

I’ll first say that I think it’s possible to learn something about the self from our tendencies, and our ambitions(1), but this doesn’t seem to be in doubt. I think there’s something to be said for the mind as layered – it is one layer to do thinking and another layer allows one to think about the thinking that is being done. The mind’s very depth allows for habits and actions to be simultaneously associated with ideas, intentions, and beliefs. Granted, some actions are so routine that they are conditioned by repetition, or so spontaneous that they emerge before reflection can take hold; either way, I make the argument that the mind can function (make decisions) without any reflective(2) affiliation/association. The nature of the reflective ego, however, is that it is as voluntary an action as blinking of one’s eye. Without paying it particular attention our reflective conscious will gladly focuses as it chooses, often appearing to the Self as random, or clinamenian. And yet, the Self can freely choose (third layer) to direct its reflective scope on any particular object of executive function(3) whenever action is being taken.

I want to focus not on the many ways we can take control of our reflective focus(4), but rather to point out that reflective attention can only be in so many places at once. We would be right to suggest that more executive action is being done in the human body than can be reflected on at a given moment. Some executive functions are condition through habit to be able to efficiently and consistently act without need of the reflective ego. This is again not to say that we couldn’t reflect specifically on how we turn on a car, or how we spread peanut butter on a slice of toast, but often these actions require a set of skills that are nearly as efficient under the control of the vague and unreflective consciousness as it could be under the guidance of the precise and focused reflective ego(5). For this reason I propose that there are executive actions that are carried out to completion but never even involved the reflective conscious. Squishing my foot into a shoe might not involve any reflection or contemplation as long as I don’t begin to struggle throughout the process. Similarly, flicking a bug from my ear often entails a purely reactive, unreflective response that leads to an unpredictable consequence, since the action is over before I began to think about it.

These unreflective moments of action, which are reactionary or conditioned responses, are still decisive. They are moments of accomplishment, and thus have effects. I take these effects to be arbitrary, but dictative. The outcomes of unreflective action, even those of pure habit, can always waver in predictability and often have unforeseen consequences that may affect our lived experience.

I don’t pretend to know how to completely synthesize the unreflective executive action of the Self with the history of its habitual past, but the discrepancy between deliberate (reflective) action and reactionary (unreflective) action has led me to dream up a fantasy afterlife:

The Infinite Library

This idea is my most favorite concept of the “Afterlife”, if there is one. I don’t spend my waking days thinking that there is an afterlife, since for me, the question of existence is only in the moment of time, and outside of time I have no bearings, and thus no expectations. BUT! If I were to die today, this would be my fantasy.

So, my body is inflicted with a mortal wound, and my spirit floats up to heaven. Everything is white, and fluffy, with gold trim, and smells like waterlillies. I walk up to the gate, and God is there to greet me. It’s not a new or unfamiliar moment like you’d expect, but rather, I feel right at home, and to top it off, God and I have a secret handshake! So, God and I sort of effortlessly drift across the pathway through an environment so profoundly infinite and unimaginably aesthetic, that I cannot help but get goose bumps — on my soul! I mean, get real. This is heaven were talking about; and not just ANY heaven — the one made in MY mind! So, of course, this is a heaven that transcends time, and space, and does so in infinite ways. All around me I see famous and infamous people from our history books: lincoln, Ghandi, Arendt, Napolean, my father, and my grandparents, and Matt Dirnbauer … I don’t know, you name it. And there’s even people from the future there: you guys, and Seinfeld, and that little boy from “Jerry Maguire,” etc. I mean, sure, people are spread out all over the place, but you can get anywhere in heaven in just a matter of minutes … plus, you’re there for an eternity, so finally you’ve got time on your side.

So, God shows me to my room. It’s a white door, discreet and modest, and fits in with the neighborhood. My number, 33, is on the door, and that’s chill. There’s front doors on either side of mine that must lead to the neighbors abode, but we’re in heaven, so upon entering my room, I realize I too have an infinite amount of space - in my room! There are bedrooms, and kitchens, and toy rooms, and basements. There are rainforests, and deserts, and mountains and lots of ice cream. It’s my room, whaddya expect? God leaves me to my pad, and I’m very thankful. The body’s feeling good. I’ve got great music in the sterero, and I’m already thinking about takinga walk outside and visiting some friends, you know, maybe grab an ice cold Pabst in a bottle. But then I notice something particular in my room. Not sure how I missed when i first walked in, I take a closer step to it. On the far east wall of my den is a shelf of video that goes from floor to ceiling, and runs infinitely down the side the room. We’re talkin’ infinte tapes!

I look closer and I realize each tape is tagged with a date, along with some additional numbers which must serve as some filing or ordering system. The collection of tapes are titled, “The Manifold Possibilities of Aaron Morgan Bell,” and admittedly my intrigue sky-rockets through the roof. I meander up and down the wall, and decide on my instincts and choose the first tape of the library, numbered 01. I pop it into my big, projection screen television with the built-in, 47-speaker, surround sound system, and I humbly twiddle my fingers. The film begins and what do I see on the screen? Me. Little, baby me. I’m in my first few moments of life. I’m squiggling all around, and my parents are there, and the doctors, and all of that good stuff. The camera seems to be shot with an omniscient lens, and is able to capture everything so perfectly, and with such realness, and to make matters even more outlandish, not only is there audio from the others in the room, but there’s an audio line of my crying but from what sounds like within my head, as if the film has captured my lived experience! So, I fast forward to when I was three, and when I was 10. Yup, all me. Everything I’ve ever done up until that point, and not only do you get what could be heard by any onlooker, but my inner monologue, my private subjectivity is right along with it. Every time I think to myself, “I’m hungry,” the video says it. Every time I feel good, or feel bad, or hurt myself, or try to help someone, all of my thoughts are right there. Unbelieveable! I fast forward to the first time I fell in love, back to the first time I rode a bike, forward to my marriage, and to my trip to South America. It’s all there. Every instant. Every thought I’ve ever had, and every thing I’ve ever done. In some ways, I feel pretty vulnerable, maybe ashamed, and in other ways, pretty liberated and pretty proud! I mean, this is heaven. This is the afterlife. I have, in hand, my full project of self, as constituted by me. What a masterpiece. I’m so tempted to run down the hall to my mother’s room, and fast-forward her tape to my first birthday, and to see it from her perspective and hear her thoughts on the moment. Or to go to that one girl’s house, and check out film from that one party where we hooked up, and I could have sworn she faked it. Man, with all of eternity at my fingertips, I could really have some fun!

But then I remembered that I have an infinite amount of tapes on the wall! Of what could they possibly be? So, I pace down the wall, and I pick out a completely arbitrary tape, numbered 1006. I’m watching, I’m watching, and everything’s the same. I’m born, I cry, I go home, yadda, yadda, yadda. But then, at about 11 months old, right when I normally ate a spoonful of applesauce, I suddenly flung the sauce across the room! My mom then ran over to me, and she slipped on the sauce, and she broke her left wrist, and we had to take her to the hospital, and on and on and on. I remembered in the first video thinking about chucking my spoon across the room on pure impulse, but I didn’t go through with it. Yet in this video, I had acted differently.

I took down the next tape, numbered 1007, fast-forwarded to the same spot, and here i continued to politely use the spoon. Fifteen minutes goes by, and my dog, Clara Bell, comes by with a ball in her mouth, and I don’t reach out for it —- BUT! I specifically remember reaching for the ball in real life, trying to steal it from her, and crying because she bit a little too hard and made me scared. Why were these videos so different? Or rather, why were they exactly the same up until a moment, and then they differed?

Well, I began to watch more movies, fast-forwarding until I noticed something different, and then trying to determine where and how things went another way. I realize each movie is exactly the same as my lived experience, EXCEPT for every time I am faced with a decision, a new movie is born out of the off-chance that I made the other! For every moment where I exercised ‘choice’ in my lived life, myself as an infinite possibility is represented in a new movie, as another life, based on the choice I DIDN‘T make! And each movie comes equipped with my subjectivity. All of my tendencies, and attitudes are essentially the same, but for some movies, I missed a flight, and met a girl, and moved to Asia. In other movies, I caught lucky lottery ticket, but got robbed 2 years later, and lost a daughter. Some movies involve just a slight variation, and others are a complete epic.

What’s so fascinating here is, and the implications of this analogy could be carried on ad infinitum, but what’s so fascinating is that, having chosen to see myself as possibility, and have chosen to live an existential life where my project of self rests in my propensity to decide, no aspect of my potential to be goes unfulfilled! Every possible decision I could have ever made differently is lived out, in real time, with real consequences, right before my eyes. These are not movies, these are the infinite possibilities of my Self, cast live on a television screen with a reflective ego as narrator.

This would be sweet! And to top it off, I can’t wait to go check out YOUR videos. I’ll get to share in the moments where we never got to share in real life, and see the sights that we all managed to see differently. Or maybe I’ll just go back to those times where we both sat quietly on a log, in the middle of the forest, in silence. What were you thinking then?

… eek! I’ve been writing for way too long. This is dead week. I’ve got work to do. I did, however, have my bike tires stolen today, so I think I could justify feeling entitled to take an hour to babble on about heaven… or something like that.

—————————————————-
[footnotes. yeah, so what?]
(1) AMBITIONS: an anticipated or premeditated way of acting. Relate to a “habit of the future”; a term understood to take the place of the habit of thinking we construct to prepare for an action. An action that lacks some spontaneity because of the mind’s pre-planning; this pre-planning is the involvement of the reflective conscious (ego).
(2) REFLECTIVE: ascribing an addition layer of consciousness to an object of executive function (physical action, interaction, intention, etc); a ‘reflective’ layer of consciousness is one that assigns value or meaning to its object.
(3) EXECUTIVE FUNCTION: the accomplished object of action (physical action, social interaction, mental intention, etc) as regulated by the un-possessive (unreflective) conscious; the process of acting or thinking (confronting options and making choices), without discussing, predicting, or reflecting on possible outcomes of the decision at hand.
(4) Flashlight Analogy: I’d like to insert my flashlight analogy here. The world is an infinite regress of possible things to perceive, by the many processes of sensation, perception, cognition, reflection that we have. Our control over our experience is much like trying to grip and direct an otherwise spontaneously wavering flashlight and then to focus it on a particular part of the room [world] around us. The real challenge of the task is to become masterful at some skill: holding it steady, bringing it close to a wall, seeing how far from something you can get, trying to shine it on everything, looking for something undiscovered, or even trying to turn it off. The analagy goes on ………
(5) [e.g., my fingers grip the knife and spread the jelly, but I don’t reflect on precisely how I place my finger tips around the handle, or how I direct the motion of the spreading – every unreflective choice is done to sufficiency as opposed to specificity. I might be spreading PB&J on my sandwich while I day dream about the ocean, and when the executive action of making the sandwich is over, I’ll often re-involve my reflective attention for a moment, and question, “Is the bread mostly covered?” Upon reflection, I’ll respond, “Good,” and enjoy.]

Just a Description of my 'Project'

The Project: constituting self-hood; the experience of Life.

Every once in a while, in words, you capture a fluttering taste of an otherwise indescribable feeling. This was one of those moments. And though the final description never quite does the overall feeling any justice, we somehow feel more settled. If I had my way I’d sit next to anyone who reads anything I write, and blabble on about ‘what I meant here’, and ‘why this part isn’t very good,’ but that’s the joy about writing: when you put the period on, you get to shove your thought out into the abyss, to be analyzed, mediated, (mis-)interpreted, interrogated, and judged by all whom take the time. The vulnerability is almost exciting…

an email excerpt from The Crane Queen
> I can’t understand what I can do to fulfill myself, what is worthy
> of my time, or what I should take chances on and leap toward.

my response (obviously, some subtle references herein are out of context):
“… tell me about it! For me, life’s become trial and error, with much emphasis on the ‘try.’ There are times where I get stuck in a wonderfully/pathetically distracting lifestyle (e.g. ultimate, summer camp, theater, boy scouts, academic decathalon … maybe school for that matter, etc) and I become so associated with one activity, so wrapped up in being committed to life in one way, that I forget my other interests, my other passions, my other dreams. But I’ve learned the lesson that to open new doors, I have to close old ones (just trying to open more doors will burn you OUT). I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the transitions are saddening; afterall your closest friends and fondest memories often emerge from working together in such activities, but I’ve learned that there’s too much in this life that I want to do. There’s too much in this life that I must observe if I’m going to make any sense of it all. And best/worst of all, I don’t really know how much time I’m going to have to do ‘stuff.’ When a new and amazing opportunity comes along, I’m always tempted. I wrestle with myself to make the best decision for me. I contemplate my decision. I think of all the successes and good times I’ve had with/in my current activity, and if I can admit that I’ve been lucky, that i’ve already done more than I thought I could ever do, that what I’m doing is STILL fun, then I can be ready to move on, full well knowing that I can always return (though, to date, I’ve never returned to the activity, just to the people therein — I never lose touch with the people). And after I make the transition through one door to the next, I feel the freeness of living a dream - MY dream!

This isn’t to say that I’m filling myself up, nor is it saying that I know what to fill myself up with, but it’s the way i’ve chosen to take on the world. My inner being, that urge that lives in us, that intuition that is so specific to who I am and how I think/feel, is what I listen to. It’s my guiding compass. It shows me the chances that I CAN take. And then, for better or worse, I think about it, and then I act. Sometimes though, I think I think too much….

… I’m trying to get better about that.”

Frog Existentialism

“You know, when you’re in a conversation, and you get on a tangent, and you go from one tangent to another tangent?? … that’s kinda like a metaphor for life — we’re just bouncing from one thing to the next, like a frog that jumps from lilly pad to lilly pad; and that’s just kind of how we are in life. So I wrote this poem:”

Frog Existentialism

Everything is nothing and nothing is everything,
in the spatious pond of “Right Now,”
where horny toads and bull frogs leap from lilly pad to lilly pad,
using their God-given know-how.

Throughout the cycle of day and night,
alternating between Freedom and Fright,
our amphibious friends dwell in both mind and matter,
where all their activity is purely filler:
croaking chitter-chatter, amongst raindrops … pitter-patter…

~Eric Hoffman

Spelling Error

I received this email as a forward from my mom today. Pretty cool:

“I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!”

Go Brain!

Bakken

… Behold!…

By the hands of fate, [Insert: drum roll] Reid “Boots” Bakken has started a blog!

Really, I couldn’t have thought of a more exciting perspective to be made accessible to the cognitively hungry… Happy Birthday, brother. — ‘some other things’, indeed…

Perhaps we have a future anizer on the rise.

A solid walk

Today was a great day. A great day of thoughts. Learning/trying to write about my thoughts has made Thinking very addictive and each thought has become more precious and intriguing with each new day. I’ve come to love to understand my own thoughts, and moreso, share them — in whatever capacity they come out, and in whatever capacity one is listening. Today I took a great huge walk down and through San Francisco. It’s my second mighty walk this week. I love it. This morning I marched down South Van Ness from Ceaser Chavez and headed for the San Francisco Public Library. The SFPL is a bomb situation. Here, people from all walks of life come to co-exist in a civil manner with similar notions of mental stimulation. Some come to use the internet, some come to do some homework, others to organize their bills. Some read up on the latest sports issues, while others prefer the politics. Some are looking to travel, rocking out drawings, jamming to tunes, doing crossword puzzles, or what have you. It’s a pretty marvelous environment (to be honest, most people were fighting off or endulging in sleep! But that’s a funny conversation of its own). There’s also some really great art work on display in the library. I came across some photo collages that I really really liked by a woman named Grace Sevy. I found some more of her work online, but if you’re ever by the library, she’s got some incredible pieces on display in wake of San Fransisco’s reaction to September 11th. Anyway, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and writing in my journals and I really don’t have the enthusiasm to sit at this computer and type when i could be out on the town. When we cross paths, i’ll fill you in. But, I do, however, want to share a really cool passage that I found posted on the side of a bookstore in downtown San Fran called, City Lights. The passage was this:

Tyranny cuts off the singer’s head
But the voice from the bottom of the well
Returns to the secret springs of the earth
And rises out of nowhere
Through the mouths of the people.

Very cool, I thought. Penny for your thoughts - are pigeons and homeless really all that different?

Sep. 30, 2002

An old email, from a good friend. Hoffman, your words are too REAL not to share…

“Like a tree that falls dead to the forrest floor, and is consumed by the life around it, we read the works of fallen men, gaining wisdom from their words…

A truth can only only be expressed and enveloped in words if it is one-sided. Everything that is thought and expressed in words is one-sided, only half the truth; it all lacks totality, completeness, unity. When the Illustrious Buddha taught about the world, he had to divide it into Samsara and Nirvana, into illusion and truth, into suffering and salvation. One cannot do otherwise, there is no other method for those who teach. But the world itself, being in and around us, is never one-sided. Never is man or a deed wholly Samsara or wholly Nirvana; never is a man wholly a saint or a sinner. This only seems so because we suffer the illusion that time is something real. Time is not real. I have realized this repeatedly. And if time is not real, then the dividing line that seems to lie between this world and eternity, between suffering and bliss, between good and evil, is also an illusion.”

AolIM: Steve and I; 4/13

Belldread33: how do you know about it?
Stsumner: did i ever tell you that my middle name is “stalker”
Belldread33: wow… well, right on..it does me well to know that my latest (lamest?) sentiments are far-reaching…and to good people at that..
Belldread33: i’d love to hear some of your comments… provided you have time and comments.
Stsumner: if u must know, the link was on one of the frisbee emails u sent
Belldread33: oh, words… you received a frisbee email?
Stsumner: yep, i’m on that mailing list for the tosa frisbee thing
Stsumner: i’ll try to post something on your website sometime
Stsumner: i have my thoughts
Belldread33: cool man…
Stsumner: like for the omnipotent god with no arms
Belldread33: I’ve kinda been really sparatic lately
Belldread33: my life is in utter chaos… not shambles…just chaos.
Stsumner: GRE?
Belldread33: yeah, about that…
Belldread33: i messed it up
Belldread33: I’m mean, who am I kidding
Belldread33: I’m stressed out, malnourished, add and sleep-deprived
Stsumner: well, those tests just need to be studied for, then you’ll rock it
Belldread33: of course I can’t focus on reading comprehension
Belldread33: right.. about the whole study aspect ..not my thing… I just went in and took it.
Stsumner: Grandma Sumner says……you put too many irons in the oven, none of them will get hot
Belldread33: I’m confused?
Belldread33: don’t you plug irons in?
Belldread33: you’re grandma is old school, dawg.
Stsumner: apparently they used to heat lead irons by putting them in the stove
Belldread33: (i’m mean, I’m there, Steve.)
Stsumner: modern translation: a person can only do so many things
Belldread33: are you saying if you do too many things, few if any will be complete? or go well?
Stsumner: yep…but i could be wrong
Belldread33: well, it makes sense… it’s that type of grounded perspective that my blog lacks.
Stsumner: there’s nothing wrong with exhausting yourself, provided the cause is worthy
Belldread33: true…what if you’re not sure about the cause?
Belldread33: and just working hard cuz its on your plate?
Stsumner: you dont always need to know where you’re going to get there
Belldread33: but that can often make ‘there’ arbitrary
Belldread33: which I’m fine with, as long as I’m happy.
Belldread33: (to be honest)
Stsumner: happiness is not the goal, being purposeful is, read the gospels, its striking how often Christ gets sad
Belldread33: wait a minute…lets back this whole conversation up…. are you telling me that you are up at 6:30 in the morning with extra time to peruse a sloppy website?
Stsumner: no, just printing something off, then ryan said hello
Belldread33: two things: 1) I haven’t spent nearly, if any time in reading scripture, and probably should, 2) how am I to see myself in the light of christ?
Belldread33: well, I was almost flattered.
Belldread33: but, that makes sense.
Stsumner: what do u mean “how are u supposed to see yourself”
Belldread33: hmm…. i wonder, at times, if I have expectations for myself, and whether I’m living up to them
Belldread33: how am i supposed to see myself against my own concept of progress.
Belldread33: (i think is what I’m really trying to get at)
Stsumner: i think one of the most important realizations we can come to is to see just how utterly incapable and full of failure we are
Belldread33: you think?
Belldread33: how Nietzschian.
Stsumner: take the case of the rich young man in the gospels
Belldread33: (again, not familiar)
Stsumner: he asks christ what he can do to get to heaven
Stsumner: jesus keeps asking more and more of him until he gives up
Belldread33: gives up?
Stsumner: and walks away
Stsumner: contrast that to the other interactions that christ has with people
Stsumner: ….
Belldread33: isn’t there something to be said for persevernance? Would it have been different had he not asked Christ specifically? Or if the man wasn’t concerned about getting into heaven, but rather finding happiness in living for other people?
Belldread33: you’re suggesting Christ doesn’t push people in those ways often?
Belldread33: or rather, Christ gives people specific challenges to engage their specific needs? I’m confused.
Stsumner: problem was that he asked “what can I do to get to heaven” (emphasis on the I)
Stsumner: jesus kept challenging him to show him that he could never go far enough or do enough to earn heaven
Stsumner: no one could be perfect enough
Stsumner: all he had to do was ask
Belldread33: well, that’s the point right…
Belldread33: ask to be in heaven?
Belldread33: what if you never ask, because you have your reasons, but you live a good life —- and, possibly, are seen as living a life of christian vocation?
Stsumner: right, ask for salvation, forgiveness, its a free gift
Stsumner: some people ask without ever explicitly asking
Belldread33: you think? how so?
Belldread33: I mean, how does that work, Steve? that doesn’t make sense
Belldread33: so many religions specifically say that you must initiate that conversation
Stsumner: i’m just saying that some people recognize their fundamental need for God without ever verbalizing it, its in their heart
Stsumner: God isnt legalistic
Belldread33: what if your heart is fundamentally questioning God.
Stsumner: questioning is good, its the only way to get answers, he asks us to seek him
Belldread33: sure, but fleshing out philosophical perplexities isn’t necessarily opening yourself up to god, and certainly not asking him to be in your life, or asking for salvation.
Stsumner: well, my suggestion is just to study everything, every religion, and see which one has the best answers to those questions
Belldread33: The other day, gwen gave me a very interesting quote, that may be helpful
Stsumner: but a person will really have to study, and no one today really dusts off the good book anymore
Belldread33: originally from a very special person in my life, the quote reads:

Here’s that quote I mentioned, I added the
preceeding context as well:

“Religion is like language or dress. We gravitate toward the practices with
which we were raised. In the end, though, we are all proclaiming the same
thing. That life has meaning. That we are grateful for the power that
created us.”
Langon was intrigued. “So, you’re saying that whether you are a Christian or
a Mulsim simply depends on where you were born?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Look at the diffusion of religion around the globe.”
“So faith is random?”
“Hardly. Faith is universal. Our specific methods for understanding it are
arbitrary. Some of us pray to Jesus, some of us go to Mecca, some of us study
subatomic particles. In the end we are all just searching for truth, that
which is greater than ourselves.”

Belldread33: I think your comment is true that the bible has been a lost focus in contemporary western thought.
Stsumner: good quote, and as for the bible, yah i agree, too often our opinions aren’t based on anything or researched very well, they are just nonsense we subconsciously picked up somewhere from watching too many episodes of the “o.c.”
Belldread33: which I’ve refrained from interacting with.
Stsumner: i know, there’s no time to watch tv anymore
Stsumner: which is probably a good thing also
Belldread33: well, if you’re using your time well, TV really falls out of the picture anyway.
Belldread33: exactly.
Stsumner: about your quote…
Stsumner: ever heard to joseph campbell
Belldread33: hmmm….
Stsumner: professor of mythology out of nyc
Belldread33: wait a minute…right..
Belldread33: no, I haven’t
Stsumner: died last year maybe
Belldread33: are you sure, or is that a myth?
Belldread33: (ok, yeah, unnecessary)
Stsumner: he wrote a book on the symbolic similarities of the religions….very interesting
Stsumner: wish i remembered the title
Belldread33: definitely applicable…. but its where people find ‘religion’ in pure secular pursuits that interests me…
Belldread33: is it fair to put ‘subatomic particles’ as an equal pursuit towards meaning and truth?
Stsumner: notice how religion can quickly get self-seeking
Belldread33: and you don’t think it should be?
Stsumner: ……”I want to figure out the truth, i want happiness,” etc
Belldread33: but it is the self seeking, right
Belldread33: what are we seeking then?
Stsumner: i think the more we remove “I” from the equation, the more truth we will find
Belldread33: if were not concerned with truth (and I know you haven’t suggested that here), is there anything worth being concerned of?
Belldread33: or rather, worthy of our concerns?
Belldread33: I’m struggling with (and probably always will) what I should focus on…
Stsumner: is it possible the most persistent question in our life should be “how can i serve the most”
Belldread33: my happiness with ultimate? my passion for scholarly study? My desire for fiancial stability? the perfect love? My relationship with an intangible ominpotent, omni-Everything?
Belldread33: sure, but when does service become selfish?
Belldread33: there’s that whole age-old belief that altruism doesn’t exist.
Belldread33: I think that skepticism applies.
Stsumner: the beautiful thing about service is that whether its selfish or not, others will still be helped
Belldread33: I like ultimate for how I feel, but I know that my involvments serve others, in the same way that I feel enriched by others as well.
Belldread33: Steve, you believe in free will?
Stsumner: i need to study up on that subject more before i can say something insightful on that, i don’t want to just say some opinion i havent thought hard about
Belldread33: understandable
Belldread33: I’m sure your answer would be the same if I were to ask you if you believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing God, right?
Belldread33: which is certainly something from the good book,no less…
Stsumner: i do agree with that statement
Belldread33: well, where i’m going with my interrogation is rather simple.
Belldread33: you understand that having free will and having an all-powerful God are plagued with logical contradictions that the human mind can’t transcend… does this concern you in the least?
Belldread33: are we not meant to ever see religion with complete objective clarity? is that the nature of faith? …. why?
Stsumner: is it possible to know without understanding?
Stsumner: and instead of using the word faith, maybe substitute trust in there, its simpler to understand
Belldread33: that’s a plausible alternative form of the same question, what do you think?
Stsumner: my question is this….say you figure out all the answers to all the questions, then what
Stsumner: is that the end
Belldread33: no, I guess not.
Stsumner: i would say that knowledge is a means, not an end
Belldread33: unless, the end is, “heaven and God don’t exist”
Belldread33: then, hell breaks loose…or we keep on believing.
Stsumner: what do you think
Belldread33: hmmm….
Belldread33: I don’t live wondering about it..at least, I don’t live concerned about my relationship with God, or whether one exists… it’s funny… I don’t really recognize God, but I might be quick to thank him for things… there’s always things that seem to be happening out of my control, and it seems befitting to thank something, or someone, even if its just a matter of looking up into the infinite sky, and saying, “Thank you!”
Belldread33: but I would never ask anything of God.
Belldread33: I would never put expectations on God, or have hopes that I’m praying for God to answer…
Belldread33: (never is probably an unrealistic word, but i try not to anyway)
Stsumner: that may be good, prayer isn’t really about getting, its about connecting, its about relationship
Belldread33: I assume that’s what you think as well?
Stsumner: yes, its what i think
Stsumner: or wait, think about what
Belldread33: you tell me, I was just answering and re-iterating your question, “what do you think?”
Belldread33: either about hell breaking loose, or knowledge as a means
Belldread33: but I chose to explain my thoughts about finding all the answers …
Belldread33: my take was, I’m not really looking.
Stsumner: there’s a lot of uneducated people who are better people than those of us in universities (thats a testiment to the fact that knowledge is neutral…to be used for good or evil), and as for God, my friend, we are all looking….even if it be in subatomic particles
Belldread33: good reference. Perhaps.
Belldread33: but the real question remains, does God have arms?
Stsumner: if he does, maybe he’d smack us upside the head for spending our time on such questions while a quarter of the world is malnourished
Belldread33: interesting manipulation of tone.
Belldread33: the world’s issues are grave, I’ll agree…but I’m not sure what to make of it…
Stsumner: i am joking though, i hope that didn’t sound too cruel, asking questions about Gods arms are good too
Stsumner: its funny what the bible has to say about that question….its not as clear cut as we might have learned in catechism class
Belldread33: I’m taking a class right now, philosophy of religion, and we talk about how an all-compassionate God could allow for so much suffering, and worse, ‘evil’
Stsumner: because a greater evil would be to force us to do good
Belldread33: again, the bible (which I really haven’t read) doesn’t seem to be very clear cut on this issue.
Belldread33: you think?
Belldread33: so evil is a result of our free will?
Stsumner: suffering on this earth is temporary, it pales in comparison to the time span of eternity
Belldread33: which is supposed to be sufferless?
Stsumner: i think we choose evil sometimes,
Stsumner: i know i do occasionally
Belldread33: i know you do too.
Stsumner: thanks, conscience
Belldread33: no problem, self.
Belldread33: I would argue, more people have done evil things in the name of religion than not
Stsumner: that is also why God (with arms) is using his hands to slap his forehead, cuz we just don’t get it , that’s why we need a savior and cant do it ourself….back to the beginning of our conversation
Stsumner: everytime we try to do “religion”, we mess it up
Belldread33: now, i haven’t read that in any scripture…
Belldread33: I just don’t know when its appropriate to look to the book for answers, and when its okay to know where the book went wrong….
Stsumner: well the first time i read the new testament, i wrote down all the questions i had, about five pages worth, back and front
Stsumner: the questions get answered, one by one
Belldread33: every question?
Belldread33: well, i understand the analogy…
Belldread33: but answers are (often?) different then truth and meaning
Stsumner: no, not everyone….i don’t deserve all the answers, but i got answers to the ones i needed
Stsumner: study it and i’m sure you will get the answers too
Belldread33: steve, i think this has left us both with a great deal to think about… and I’m not quite sure if 6am is necessarily the best time for continued discussion….but I’m grateful for the conversation, and I’m excited for an indefinite correspondence with you throughout the next long while… with whatever frequency… i will continue to blog, and there will always be an invitation for your thoughts and reactions…take care steve… I’m off
Stsumner: have a good day, thanks for the conversation, hopefully we can do it again….a little philosophy is a good way to start the morning

Auto response from Belldread33: research analysis…

Stsumner signed off at 6:40:01 AM.

Ryan and I, 4/13

themonkphunk: whats up player
Belldread33: chillin
Belldread33: talked to someone on your computer earlier this evening
Belldread33: not you, though.
themonkphunk: i am not going to be able to get up tomorrow
themonkphunk: zeek
Belldread33: sure, zeek.
Belldread33: why not?
Belldread33: I see. that is interesting.
themonkphunk: why are you up?
Belldread33: finishing up some papers… i usually stay up on mondays and wednesdays.
themonkphunk: i see
Belldread33: time is seldom these days —you?
themonkphunk: some people were over
themonkphunk: we were playing some old school NES zelda
Belldread33: serious? till now?
Belldread33: wow… rough life.
Belldread33: how is life btw?
themonkphunk: no, they left but i was hooked on the video games
Belldread33: by yourself?
themonkphunk: yeah, i’m a loser
Belldread33: well, to each his own, I guess.
themonkphunk: well, will was passed out on the couch
Belldread33: (i still think you’re cool)
themonkphunk: so i had an audience kinda
Belldread33: then you’re a better man than will (wuss)
themonkphunk: but yeah, i’m trying to figure out what happens after college
Belldread33: tell me about it.
Belldread33: I’m so far behind right now..3 papers due tomorrow…how many done? 0
themonkphunk: ouch
themonkphunk: like hard papers?
Belldread33: yeah. like 10 pages, 6 pages and 8 pages.
Belldread33: all philosophy.
Belldread33: I hate my life (sometimes, but not really)
themonkphunk: yeah i’ve had that feeling a lot this semester
Belldread33: again, tell me about it.
themonkphunk: i haven’t gotten anything done on time
Belldread33: come to think of it…me either
Belldread33: when’s graduation for you?
themonkphunk: so are you still going to be just chilling for a year or so?
themonkphunk: may 14
Belldread33: and when are you packing up and goin’ home?
Belldread33: not sure…I’ve applied to grad school at u of oregon and am waiting to hear back from them
themonkphunk: well, the week after that, Larry is coming out and visiting me
themonkphunk: then we’re both going back to wisconsin on the 22nd
themonkphunk: would you start in fall?
Belldread33: nice… you should cruise up here for ulty nationals and quality post-graduation hangin’ out
Belldread33: yeah, fall of 04
Belldread33: it would be a 2 year MA in Cognitive Philosophy —- and two more years of ultimate eligibility.
themonkphunk: is that the only one?
Belldread33: yup
Belldread33: its actually perfectly incredible
themonkphunk: when will you know
themonkphunk: ?
Belldread33: though my gpa is low and I fuct up my GRE’s
themonkphunk: sweet
Belldread33: 3 weeks, prolly
themonkphunk: well, its 4:154
Belldread33: oh, that move.
Belldread33: I see how it is.
themonkphunk: 4:15am
themonkphunk: whew
Belldread33: you haven’t even entertained my crazy notions of comin’ up to the PNW (again)
themonkphunk: yeah, not sure how that would happen
Belldread33: yeah, me either.
themonkphunk: when is nat’ls
themonkphunk: ?
Belldread33: I’m actually nervous about not getting back to WI this summer.
Belldread33: last week of may
Belldread33: 29th, 30th..that sort of thing
themonkphunk: huh, so memorial day weekend?
Belldread33: um….
Belldread33: yes
themonkphunk: that was actually a statement
Belldread33: I was confused by the “?”
themonkphunk: yeah
Belldread33: but i’ll disregard the swirly mark above the period.
themonkphunk: good idea
Belldread33: do you have a summer job lined up
Belldread33: .
themonkphunk: well, i’m looking
Belldread33: are you flying home?
themonkphunk: and probably not for a summer job as much as a job
themonkphunk: yeah
Belldread33: oh yeah.. that’s true…
Belldread33: real job… that’s craziness.
themonkphunk: though hopefully it will start in the summer
Belldread33: ideally.
Belldread33: where is rachel in all of this?
themonkphunk: she’s going to be at UWM next year getting an RN
Belldread33: wow.. that’s alright… are you guys still together?
themonkphunk: yeah
Belldread33: I imagin.
Belldread33: yea
Belldread33: that’s great man
Belldread33: and I’m sure you know about jeremy and caitlyn, yeah?
themonkphunk: yeah, i just talked to him the other day
themonkphunk: pretty wild
Belldread33: pretty exciting —- think you’ll make it to the big show?
themonkphunk: you’re going?
Belldread33: should be a lot of wasted Tosa Alum
themonkphunk: right
themonkphunk: yea we’ll see
Belldread33: oh god yeah… i will be there in full stride.
Belldread33: this is like our first high school friend wedding
Belldread33: a milestone, indeed
themonkphunk: yup
themonkphunk: i should sneak one in and beat him to the punch
Belldread33: woah!
Belldread33: I was just thinking about suggesting that for fun
Belldread33: but then I was like, “nah, that could be ackward”
Belldread33: interesting…. do you see yourself thinking about that sort of stuff?
themonkphunk: some day
Belldread33: so, you will be thinking about that some day, or your thinking about that now, but for someday in the distant future?
themonkphunk: but i’ll let them have their fun and i’ll take my time
Belldread33: I feel the same way
Belldread33: I’ve actually found myself in a really really exciting relationship
themonkphunk: sweet
themonkphunk: anyone i met?
Belldread33: yeah… I’m excited to see where it goes… no..probably not
Belldread33: she lives in san fran
themonkphunk: ok
themonkphunk: how’d you meet her?
Belldread33: we met through ultimate
themonkphunk: crazy
Belldread33: and I’ve gotten to see her a bunch, and spend spring break with her for like 9 days
themonkphunk: huh
Belldread33: plus i’m going to see her like, 13 more times before the end of school
themonkphunk: wow
themonkphunk: how’s that?
Belldread33: (13 more days)
Belldread33: well, I’m going to phoenix for this psych convention
Belldread33: it’s all paid for and everything by school
Belldread33: well, I bought a ticket that gives me a 3 day lay-over in san fran
themonkphunk: nice
Belldread33: then I get home that tuesday, and she comes out that thursday for 4 days
Belldread33: then, the next weekend is regionals… and she’s comin’ up a day early, and we are chillin
Belldread33: and then she’ll be here a week early for nationals and we can just be…
Belldread33: it’ll be nice.
themonkphunk: damn
themonkphunk: good work
Belldread33: I’m ridiculously excited. thanks man.
Belldread33: i’m addicted to this girl
themonkphunk: i’ve never met anyone who can make things happen like you can
Belldread33: well, thanks man.
Belldread33: I feel lucky sometimes
themonkphunk: lucky?
Belldread33: oh, for sure.
Belldread33: I just chase my dreams around, man.
themonkphunk: that’s better than most people
Belldread33: though, i did get a $700 speeding ticket the other day… not too lucky
themonkphunk: conservation of greatness
Belldread33: greatness? i doubt it.. but conservation of karma, no doubt
themonkphunk: 700 dollars!?
Belldread33: yeah..ridiculous
themonkphunk: that seems like a lot
Belldread33: not to mention insurance increases until I’m like 75 years old
themonkphunk: (it took a second to sink in)
Belldread33: for me too.
themonkphunk: that’s a lot of money
Belldread33: so much money —- I don’t even have a job man… what are these people thinking.
Belldread33: (that’s supposed to be a question mark)
themonkphunk: how fast were you going.
Belldread33: 92 in a 65 workzone.
themonkphunk: ah
Belldread33: it was weak, I was just about to enter a workzone, and it wasn’t like anyone was working anyway…. it was such a bummer.
themonkphunk: oh yeah, i forgot about your car
themonkphunk: you have it out at school.
Belldread33: I was driving back to seattle (from san fran) and needed to get there in time for try-outs for this ultimate club team
Belldread33: yeah…it’s been a good situation until this ticket and the increases in gas prices.
themonkphunk: so is this the new team that’s starting up?
Belldread33: no, I decided to play on this elite mixed team
Belldread33: I met this guy who is 100% pure inspiration
themonkphunk: are you going to be at camp this summer?
Belldread33: he captains for this team called ‘Shazaam’ which is one of the top 5 mixed teams in the nation…I’m pretty stoked… they work hard and are super dedicated
themonkphunk: cool
Belldread33: nope… I broke away from camp…it was a very difficult decision
themonkphunk: hmm
themonkphunk: so are you in with shazaam.
Belldread33: well, I hope so.. they seem pretty excited about my play… but its still another 3 weeks of select invite practices and stuff.
themonkphunk: ouch
Belldread33: its’ chill… they’re good people.
Belldread33: i’ve learned a lot already
themonkphunk: i bet
Belldread33: how has your ultimate life been?
Belldread33: has it been?
themonkphunk: ha
Belldread33: oooh
themonkphunk: its been a while
Belldread33: lack of time? swirly team?
Belldread33: what’s the deal?
themonkphunk: mostly the former
Belldread33: saving it for the summer league?
themonkphunk: yeah
Belldread33: understandable… vandaley is hella tight.
themonkphunk: no, i’ve always been off and on a little
themonkphunk: and this year we’re stepping up a bit
Belldread33: so you’ve become one of those guys
Belldread33: wait, who’s we?
Belldread33: vandaley?
themonkphunk: no USC
Belldread33: serious? I was hoping to see you guys at UCDavis…but alas, nothing
themonkphunk: when was that/
Belldread33: UCLA was there in full force…and after being up by 4 we rolled over and shat on ourselves.
Belldread33: april 3rd and 4th
themonkphunk: oh
themonkphunk: i think my guys were in kansas
themonkphunk: i almost went
Belldread33: fools fest?
themonkphunk: yea
Belldread33: nice.
Belldread33: do you see ultimate in your future, doggie?
themonkphunk: yeah i’ll play
themonkphunk: i don’t think i can ever be all that serious though
Belldread33: good. cuz you’re good.
Belldread33: well, ultimate is everywhere at every level
themonkphunk: yeah, i miss it
themonkphunk: but i just didn’t like being a part timer
Belldread33: me too..i’ve missed a few practices cuz I’ve been so swamped with school… and to be honest, I’m all out of whack (balance)
themonkphunk: mostly though, i just gotta realize how to get shit done
Belldread33: yeah…it’s a hard spot to be in…the middle of things.
themonkphunk: when i played ultimate and did all kinds of other shit i get the same amount of work done
Belldread33: I think we both suffer from incredible procrastination and bad habits.
themonkphunk: oh yeah
Belldread33: it’s hard to change
Belldread33: especially when everything still gets done without punishment/reprecussion
themonkphunk: yeah
themonkphunk: that’s a tricky one
themonkphunk: its alright though
Belldread33: yeah, let me know when you figure it out
themonkphunk: i’m interested to see if a job will fall into place
Belldread33: i’m sure it will
themonkphunk: that, and i gotta figure out what i’m doing with the rest of my life
Belldread33: ryan, you’re one of the smartest, most able people I know
Belldread33: that can take time, man.
themonkphunk: man, people are waking up right now
themonkphunk: barto’s online
themonkphunk: steve just signed on
Belldread33: yeah, and steve sumner
Belldread33: nice
themonkphunk: yup
Belldread33: ahh…. in some small way, we’re all still interconnected…
Belldread33: hoping that the connections cease to fade….
Belldread33: and thankfully, theit persist.
Belldread33: theit = they
themonkphunk: oh sure
Belldread33: (it’s latin)
Belldread33: (Bell latin, that is)
Belldread33: hence my poor performance on the reading comprehension section of the gre
themonkphunk: man,
themonkphunk: i was so scared when i took the gre
Belldread33: how’d you do? I’m sure you kilt them
themonkphunk: i took a practice test, and i got like 300 on the verbal section
themonkphunk: but i did ok on the real one
Belldread33: for me, now practice tests, not study prep, and an all night before: 680 math, 420 verbal and still waiting to hear back from the writing action
Belldread33: but philosophy programs don’t care about math….so, I may be seriously SOL….we’ll see (i’ve got my fingers crossed)
Belldread33: now = no
themonkphunk: yeah, i don’t remember what i got on that writing part
themonkphunk: context
Belldread33: i’m confused by that.
themonkphunk: the “now = no”
themonkphunk: you gave enough context clues
Belldread33: did you catch the not = no as well?
Belldread33: (god, I’m wasted right now with tiredness)
themonkphunk: yeah
Belldread33: (but it’s chill)
Belldread33: you’re good. a good reader indeed.
themonkphunk: thanks
Belldread33: yur wilcolm.
themonkphunk: its crazy how fine i feel now and how shitty i’ll feel in the morning
themonkphunk: what?
Belldread33: eye sed yur wilcolm.
themonkphunk: steve says he’s reading your website
Belldread33: yeah, I agree..it usually hits around 7am and then again at 3
Belldread33: serious?
Belldread33: how does he know about it? and he should ..
Belldread33: I emailed him myself…
Belldread33: email = IM (context)
themonkphunk: o
themonkphunk: so you’ll be west coast for the summer?
themonkphunk: or does league not start till later?
Belldread33: well, it’s not a league… I’m actually playing on a league as well.
Belldread33: but the two are unrelated.
Belldread33: my league will end mid june, the elite team has like 3 practices a week and 5 tourneys this summer with the series in the fall
Belldread33: and I hope to be out on the west coast, rather indefinitely, I guess.
themonkphunk: ok
themonkphunk: ok
themonkphunk: i’m looking at this job for a travel agency
themonkphunk: doing computer stuff for them
themonkphunk: i hope i get it and they can hook me up
themonkphunk: i’m going to have a lot of traveling to do
Belldread33: that would be cool
Belldread33: where could you go?
themonkphunk: visit everyone
themonkphunk: then see the world
Belldread33: that would be hott.
themonkphunk: we have a women’s team this year and that’s their name
themonkphunk: hot
themonkphunk: hellions of troy
themonkphunk: i think that’s how you spell it
Belldread33: cool..
Belldread33: pretty cool women?
themonkphunk: i’ve never seen them play though
themonkphunk: yeah, some of them are kinda crazy
Belldread33: are they pretty descent?
Belldread33: I mean, for a first year team and all?
themonkphunk: they’re a very fresh team
themonkphunk: most of them haven’t ever really played before
Belldread33: like fresh or like fresh.
Belldread33: I see, fresh.
themonkphunk: but they’ve gotten out and played a lot
Belldread33: well that’s still a great stride.
Belldread33: I wish them well.
themonkphunk: i’ll pass that on
Belldread33: werd.
themonkphunk: oh man, quick story
themonkphunk: the other night i was out with some peeps at a party on the roof of this apartment building near campus
themonkphunk: really cool place, great view
Belldread33: ok.
themonkphunk: they had all kinds of crazy alcohol
Belldread33: always a good time.
themonkphunk: so we drank it all
Belldread33: nicely.
themonkphunk: i had a lot of creme de menthe
themonkphunk: tasty stuff - i like mint
Belldread33: fresh breathe, I’m sure.
themonkphunk: for sure
themonkphunk: that and lots of vodka and gin
themonkphunk: so when that died down, we wandered around from party to part
themonkphunk: y
Belldread33: so…did something happen .. or did you just get sloppy on some roof (which is definitely exciting)
Belldread33: yeah! more…
themonkphunk: no its coming
themonkphunk: so we went to like 3 other parties, and i didn’t have any more to drink, but i just kept getting more and more drunk
Belldread33: the irony.
themonkphunk: so finally we get back to my friends apartment and i lay down on his couch
Belldread33: like Will.
themonkphunk: right
Belldread33: so they start playing video games around you and….
themonkphunk: but that was a bad idea cuz now my stomach is above my head
Belldread33: oh shit..
Belldread33: so, like me at raj’s house?
themonkphunk: so will is trying to get me to go back to our apartment, but i know i’m going to be sick
Belldread33: out with the fresh breath
Belldread33: I guess.
themonkphunk: and i can’t make it to the bathroom, so i look around for the best place to aim from the couch
Belldread33: tell me its Will!
themonkphunk: so i see this big bucket in front of me and start to face it
Belldread33: gal.
themonkphunk: but will and jason (who’s apartment it is) start yelling NO! NO! ryan, just aim for the table
Belldread33: why?
Belldread33: you remember this?
themonkphunk: but i can’t understand what they’re thinking so i just go for it
themonkphunk: and all of this green liquid just comes spewing out of my mouth
Belldread33: that is hella gross, man.
themonkphunk: and the two of them just have this horrified look on their faces
Belldread33: and rightly so.
themonkphunk: then immediately after i do it i realize whats going on
Belldread33: ?
Belldread33: !
themonkphunk: the bucket was actually this huge bin of DVDs and videos that belong to his roommate!
Belldread33: oh shit!
Belldread33: oh my god, that sucks
themonkphunk: and the one on top was a three video box that was made out of pink fur
themonkphunk: which was now pink and green
themonkphunk: it was nasty
themonkphunk: so they tried to salvage a little, but i had to clean it up the next day
themonkphunk: and his roommate still doesn’t know about it
Belldread33: damn man.. that’s a great story
Belldread33: how utterly gross, and grossly funny
themonkphunk: yea it was a pretty good time
themonkphunk: ok, well i’ll leave you with that beautiful imagery
themonkphunk: i think i’m going to bed
themonkphunk: maybe it will inspire something for one of your papers
Belldread33: thanks for talking man…
Belldread33: it’s almost 5:15am now.
themonkphunk: yeah
Belldread33: I do feel like throwing up on all of my work
themonkphunk: shit
Belldread33: but, hopefully I’ll come across some other type of inspiration.
themonkphunk: lets hope
themonkphunk: ok, good talking to ya
Belldread33: well, good night man… good luck this semester…and we’ll meet again on the outside.
themonkphunk: are you going to be back in milwaukee ever?
Belldread33: sometime.
themonkphunk: good luck with your girl
Belldread33: 414-426-9622, for a good time.
themonkphunk: what’s her name?
Belldread33: Gwen.
themonkphunk: gwen
themonkphunk: ok
Belldread33: ok, indeed. (i love reading her name) anyways… see ya
themonkphunk: gnight