…. Woke up today, and to my surprise, for the next year I’ll be admitting that i’m 28 years old to anyone who asks. Sheesh! Seems like a big deal all of a sudden.
Where have I been for the past 3 months? In the groove I guess, putting traction down into my trajectory. Seeking to infuse body, mind and spirit in all things. Living in New York these past 16 months has been quite a ride. Feels nice to have a sense of “arrival” somewhere, like a belong here, full-welling knowing I want to stay and grow…and each day I’m making modest commitments to maintaining all of the plates i have in the air. The capacity for humans to “do” is a limit I hope i never reach. Right now, i find myself walking many avenues at once… but that’s the New York Way right? Maybe its just the Aaron Bell way… but for the first time, i’m feeling residual wisdom emerging from the 28 years of the life i’ve lived to date, and its telling me that there are things to be done, and morever, that I “can do!” That old adage of “know thyself” is becoming more and more clear. Not that I know myself through-and-through already, but I am beginning to cement my “style” for living… No matter what i tell myself, there are tenants of pace and ambition that have characterized my years over and over again, whether I admit them or not. I’ve certainly maintained a tradition for many of my behaviors, and if I don’t take the time to prune the good from the bad, next thing i know, I’ll be old and unchanged. (for the record, I’m still a young twenty-something, people!).
So, going forward, no longer should i feel content to talk the talk of inner change. Regret & dismay are no useful tools if I only talk about it the want to “change” or to “grow”. Real effort is required. Real focus. I can be a man of compassion. I can be a man of presence. I can be man who loves and shares his one and only gift…. Attention.
That’s right folks. “Attention” is a gift. What you do with it is your destiny. Who you give it to is the web of relation we weave. Ahhh… to be young again. Wait a minute,… aren’t I? ;)
….so, again, where I have been for 3 mos? I know it hasn’t been just going with the flow. there have been very honest moments of reflection in there. There have been real moments of grappling. Sincere moments of feeling the body in motion, and of pure emotion at work in me, of intellect compounding with intensity. There have been ups and downs, but its the downs that interest me most. The times where I let myself down, where I make promises i don’t fulfill to satisfaction, or when I don’t take advantage to put my best foot forward when opportunity presents itself. When I fail to be my best self its beginning to feel less of a mild bummer, and more of a wound, a deep remorse of conscience, felt throughout my being. This quality i’ve identified in me will be my point of departure into this birthday season.