Well, its just me and my breath, now. Breathe in… and breathe out… Before I begin to ask myself how this “living thing” really works, I first realize that: here I am. All alone. For the first time since this holiday season got started.
Life’s a funny thing. We’re all out there living it, Life that is, and that necessarily means we’re all in motion—living, moving, doing. And around the holiday season we all rolled our mass of inertia towards each other, and did so on purpose—to visit with old family, and old friends near and far. We flew into each others’ lives, and paused for just a moment… relished… and then OFF WE WENT! Back to where from we came…
And tonight I’m feeling the dizzying distance again for the first time. I just dropped Lydia off at the busstation, and waved goodbye. Aside from my 5-day stint in Wisconsin over the Christmas holiday, she and I had spent the last 4 weeks inseparably together. I had gotten used to having her around, used to seeing her smile, to seeing her stuff, to feeling her warmth, to enjoying her smell and her special looks, and I’ve just come back to my apartment and all of that is absent now. I realize I haven’t had all this space nor all this time to myself since seemingly forever ago, and its saddening for me. It didn’t feel empty before she came, but that’s changed now.
Among all the feelings, I can’t help but wonder if I made the most of her stay. When I was my most excited, did I share with her enough? Those moments when I most loved her, did I tell her enough of my fondness? When I was my most bratty, did I apologize enough? I also drift off into my thoughts for my family, asking much of the same for my short holiday visit with them. I think of my friends too— my buddies in Wisco, and those from other places like New York and London who I managed to see in between— did I tell them how I too often think of them, did I hug them hard enough to make it last until we greet again? Only heaven knows when our momentum will bring us back together.
We’re all out there now, carving out some Life for ourselves. Few of us are in the same place where we started our sagas. Few of us now are where we forever plan to remain. But one thing’s for sure, we’re all in motion. And in my tender solitude tonight, i can’t help but cry a tear for the simple fact that it all comes to a stop one day. And for each of us, the saga we spend a lifetime building will one day have no new tales to tell…
… I guess you could say, I’m feeling a bit older in ‘08. …Yup… “Aging” seems a little more real for me tonight.