You can make the inquiry
‘Who am I?’
But if you look for an answer
You might be left
High and dry.
Why?
For the simple reason that
Only the question is conceptual,
Whereas the answer is experiential.
When you finally intuit that your nature
And that of the Universe
Are the very same,
You will shockingly discover
That the answer to
The primordial question
Can only be God’s name.
By: Eric Hoffman
There are traditions of wise men,
But the wisdom they embody is ahistorical.
These wise men speak literally about the Divine,
But non-seekers assume their statements to be metaphorical.
Only our heart of hearts
Could believe a sage’s proclamations to be true:
That we can dissolve into the perfection God’s grace,
And become a vehicle in the world
For His love to shine through.
By: Eric Hoffman
(an excerpt from my journal…)
These last few days have been a whirlwind.
Somewhere in the last week I turned 25 years old and almost solo-taught a course on Ouspensky in the Psych Department, almost broke up with my girlfriend, almost accepted a Graduate Merit Fellowship from the Vice Provost, almost wrote my first Thesis chapter, and lastly, was awarded a last minute teaching position in the Biology Department, where I am to teach four 25-person discussions for Bi132: ‘An Intro to Animal Behavior’. Whew!
For a while, I had $30 in my bank account, owed the University $2,600 from the previous quarter, and with my final MA requirements in reach, I was at a loss on how to finish/fund my final quarter at Oregon. I met with every contact I’ve ever respected at UO: Carla Gary- Asst. Vice Provost, Marian Friestad- Dean of Grad School & Vice Provost, John Lysaker- Chair of Philosophy & Advisor, Sara Hodges- Chair of Psych, Robert Gordon- Adjunct Psych/Advisor, Courtney Smith- GTFF president, etc… I found council in their perspective and even Naomi Zack played a decisive role. At the end of the day, I’ve earned a teaching position and will make enough money to pay for school this term and for my debts of yesteryear.
At moments I felt ashamed. Other moments I felt deflated. But I never felt entitlement; I never showed ‘attack,’ and I took rejection with integrity… I hope. Since I turned 25, I’ve made some very determined realizations. Above all, I’ve wanted to work harder than ever before. In all aspects of life. I now have an opportunity to do so. I must focus & take advantage. I have been afforded many things that men only dream of… I musn’t finish this saga in tragedy. I must over-achieve, as it is in my potential. I commit here on paper to finish my MA coursework, teach & write 2 thesis chapters by Christmas.
Everyone is on a spiritual path,
Sometimes knowingly, and sometimes not,
For way back when,
When emptiness became form,
It began a developmental journey that would not be stopped.
But there can come a time in an individual’s life
When he becomes conscious of this fact,
And when he gains this understanding
He realizes that there is no possibility of going back.
He sees that he must continue on the trail of the spirit,
And that he must expertly navigate its slippery slope,
For if he is not careful
He could slip off the thin ledge of equanimity,
And topple into the deep and dangerous
Canyons of fear and hope.
By: Eric Hoffman
By: Eric Hoffman 9/8/06
Couldn’t care more,
Couldn’t care less,
These seem to be
The paradoxical dispositions
Of the World-Process.
At least there is a paradox
From the angle I see it.
In the future it may be otherwise,
But for now, so be it.
From what I have been told,
There is a formless,
Timeless realm
Where only more and more emptiness unfolds.
A place where there is
No this
And
No that,
A place where there is
Nowhere at all
For mind to put its hat.
A place where there is
No distinction
And
No manifestation,
Only
Pure awareness
And
Causeless elation.
Someday I might find myself
In that place
That is no place at all;
And
How incredible it will be,
To stare into
Vast,
Empty infinity,
Way beyond you and me,
And see as far as the I can see!
I’m not entirely sure where I want to be.
Here I am, about to begin my last push in my MA program, and I’m slightly flustered. Not so much with what must get done, but more so with what comes next. I have my work cut out for me over the next 3 months: finish two classes, and write my five chapter MA Thesis. In this sense, I’ll be very busy, and I’ll have to be very focused. I can handle that.
But in every other sense, I will soon be done, and I’ll have a very liberating feeling of freedom to quickly follow. How shall I live? My girlfriend will be leaving me for Spain shortly thereafter, and I imagine I’ll find myself very much alone in January. Where to go, what to do? I imagine my pockets will be deep in debt, anywhere between $1,700 and $8,000. Resolving this will be of the utmost importance. But where? Certainly not in Eugene. I don’t think I could handle it for another moment. I’ll miss the facilities at school, the neighborly appeal of the Eugene social scene, but that’s about it.
I’ve always fantacized about returning to PLU to coach ultimate and maybe teach. I’ve always thought myself a better coach than a player, and I’ve spent so much time figuring out the college ultimate ropes. The challenge of continuing to reshape PLU Ultimate is so very enticing… but alas, it sounds that the position will be filled by another quality player. And thus, the chapter on my eventual re-orientation will remain open. What comes next bell.tron?
I’ll just keep my work on the forefront, and my eyes and ears open to opportunities. This must be the only way to proceed. I’m in good spirits. I’m capable. I’m learned. I’ll be ready for the world. Just give me an open door, and I’ll make my mark.
I worked in the trenches, pushed my limits to maximum, for four weeks last November. Now, I’m asking myself to do the same for the next four months. Every year we make petty resolutions that we don’t keep. I tend to make mine in September. But this time, everything in me doesn’t want to let myself down. And there’s no ultimate to distract me. What a pity. What a liberating pity.
I hope you’re ready for a knock-out thesis. The time for refocus begins…. now. This is the Final Push.