bell - a verbalization of consciousness

Sartre Absence Paper (10/27/04)

Aaron Bell
Phil 607 - Sartre
Dr. Beata Stawarska
27 October 2004

Title:
Being and Nothingness - Introduction
- a short discussion in lieu of being absent -

Where to begin? This introduction serves, amongst other things, as a necessary background of terms and descriptions for Sartre - on what is meant by essence, being, consciousness, reflection, subjective, objective, ontology and the like. It also serves as the necessary transition from past philosophies to Sartre’s current conceptions, and as a motivation/precursor for the questions Sartre hopes to raise and, furthermore, hopes to answer.

In the first section, Sartre begins with a question, “has the monism of the phenomenon been a successful attempt to overcome the number of dualisms so traditionally problematic for philosophy?” To answer this question he begins with the phenomenon.

By way of Husserl and Heidegger, Sartre arrives at the idea that there is no dualism of appearance and being, but rather, “the being of an existent is exactly what it appears” (4). This relative-absolute notion, where it appears relative to someone yet remains absolute in ‘revealing itself as it is’, is the idea of the phenomenon. This becomes an essential notion for Sartre’s philosophy since the phenomenal being’s “appearance does not hide the essence, it reveals it; it is the essence” and what’s more, “[the phenomenal being] manifests its essence as well as its existence, and it is nothing but the well connected series of its manifestations” (5). This seems to successfully rid philosophy of one dualism - appearance and being - but proposes another, infinite and finite.

The infinite/finite dualism arises because the phenomenal being “cannot be reduced to a finite series of manifestations since each one of them is a relation to a subject constantly changing” (5); therefore, essence is manifested by an infinite number of these individual (finite) manifestations over time. If a being’s essence is infinite manifestations (or appearances) of its being, Sartre questions what to make of the “being of this appearing” (7). This brings us to section II.

In section II, Sartre begins: “The appearance is not supported by any existent different from itself; it has its own being” (7), and the description (or, perhaps, the phenomenon) of this being - as it manifests itself - is “ontology”. Here, he goes on to implore that being is not possessed, nor hidden, nor in relation-to something … it just ‘is’. I like how he says, “being is simply the condition of all revelation. It is being-for-revealing and not revealed being” (8). He finally states, “what is implied by the preceding considerations is that the being of the phenomenon … can not be subject to the phenomenal condition” (9) and, quite literally, Sartre is calling us to move beyond phenomenology if we are in search of a basis for knowledge on being.

In the third section, Sartre seems to offer consciousness as a means of knowing, “consciousness can know and know itself” (11). However, he reminds us that, “… it is in itself something other than a knowledge turned back upon itself” (11) and the rest of the section becomes hopefully devoted to the understanding of consciousness. He says very clearly that, “the first procedure of a philosophy ought to be to expel things from consciousness and to reestablish its true connection with the world, to know that consciousness is a positional consciousness of the world” (11).

Throughout Section III, Sartre seems to bring his reader back to where “Transcendence of the Ego” left off - differing for us what is meant by (reflected-on) consciousness and reflective consciousness and repeating over and over the importance of the preposition “of”. I should add, Sartre repeatedly brings us to the statement, “to know is to know that one knows” (13). This fanciful deliberation is by far my favorite conversation. Musing about consciousness of perception and of itself are most intriguing to me, but the real importance of this section were Sartre’s conclusions that “consciousness is not possible before being” (15) and “the existence of consciousness comes from consciousness itself … [it] is prior to nothingness and ‘is derived’ from being” (16). I believe, though I may be mistaken, that this is that basis for consciousness as the ontological foundation for knowledge (17).

The fourth section was difficult for me. Sartre introduces the importance of action and reaction (20), and relativity and passivity (19), and offers a term “percipi” as a special kind of ‘being of the phenomena’… but its complete value to the discussion escapes me. I think Sartre is using this notion of ‘passivity’ to separate the individual from any need for a creator, but I’m not quite sure how.

Section V is Sartre’s offering of the ontological proof, “consciousness is supported by a being which is not itself” (23), and he offers a conception of subjectivity that I can agree with, “subjectivity is consciousness (of) consciousness” (23). The last paragraph of this section does a great job of helping us understand how a non-being can be the foundation of being, but I won’t restate that here. I will say that I think this section is the real meat and potatoes of the introduction - for me at least.

In the final section of the introduction, Sartre hopes to bring closure to the foreground of the novel, and foreshadow what is to come. A few lines I keyed in on were, “there is no being which is not the being of a certain mode of being” (24-25) and “consciousness can always pass beyond the existent, not toward its being, but toward the meaning of this being” (25). He also reminds us of a distinction between the ‘being of the pre-reflective cogito’ and the ‘being of the phenomenon’. I would like some help on a more clear distinction of these. For my own reference: Being-in-itself is (29), being is what it is (28) and Being is itself (27)

I will stop here. This paper is, in part, an attempt for me to arrange the flow/outline of Sartre’s introduction, and also to provide me with references for key concepts and phrases. The parts where I had difficulty are noted, and I feel more than ready enough and informed enough to begin the “Being and Nothingness” text. Sartre sets us up with a paragraph of questions in his final section of the introduction, and I will take note as we proceed while maintaining a careful eye for their answers.

Convenience

I work at a convenience store. But what does ‘convenience’ really mean? Who’s convenience? Is it yours, the customer? Is it my, the owner/manager/employee? At the very least, as such, the employer is responsible for choosing hours of operation, and serving the register in between potty breaks and stocking food items. If convenience rests on the shoulders of either role in particular, where does the sense of ownership come from? What is lost or gained at putting the focus of convenience on only one side of the equation? Does it take two to tango? If ‘convenience’ was a thing-in-itself, to be achieved as the result of actions in general, perhaps the truest state of convenience involves, like a negotation, all parties/circumstances involved. So, in the case of a convenient store, perhaps ours (Little’s Market) subscribes to the highest calling. A calling where all people and circumstances must be taken into consideration. Inherent to this is a recognition of people, AS people. Is there a hurry? On who’s part? Who must be asked to make the most sacrifice, so as to allow for the convenience of the other? In “convience”, we, customers & workers alike, are united by our understanding of the life of another and specifically, its relation to mine. Here, I assume that an understanding of convenience should bring a sense of appreciation and acknowledgement for others to all parties.

History and Systems, '04.

AB: So, what’s goin’ on?
HC: Not too much. just sitting here. Drifting between the conversations (i.e., Dana talking) and what’s going on inside my head.
AB: Yeah, so about that — what’s goin’ on inside your head? School? Love? Ultimate? Future? Passion? Passion of Christ? Driving? Hunger? Clarity? Confusion? Strife? Success?
HC: Um, … a lot of things. Definitely Passion of Christ. That’s given me a lot to think about. I’m also thinking about where I am in my life. It’s a pretty transitional phase. I don’t have a very firm grasp of “what next,” but I’m also really okay being at this place. I’m dealing with facing some “issues” of mine, and it’s good to do that. I really feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
AB: Let’s play a game. I put a word down & you write the 1st thing (or word or phrase or idea/short idea) that comes to mind, okay? And then, after your response, you put a word for me — and then I write my response, deal? okay — your word is: ….”SELF”
HC: Inside, confused. ….”MIRROR”
AB: Reflection, being at the same place and recognizing it. ….” SHAME”
HC: Complex, is it possible to have none? What is it that causes me to feel shame? …. “BEAUTY”
AB: A refreshing smile from an attractive stranger. How about this — perhaps we should explain each abstract notion as it relates specifically to our life or admit, as you did, that we have no significant relation to the word. …. “OVERWHELMING”
HC: My thoughts feel overwhelming. I feel like I’ve done nothing but think since last Tuesday. While this seems obvious, it’s been a much more intense, very difficult to “turn off” series of thoughts. The only thing that’s made them less overwhelming has been my acceptance of the overwhelming amount of thoughts. …. “LONELINESS”
AB: What I desperately try to avoid, but the more I surround myself w/ people, I wonder if I’m still alone…. “DEPRIVED”
HC: Wow, I haven’t thought a lot about deprivation. I think I’m trying to fight deprivation by experiencing as much as possible. I would’ve been sleep deprived today, but my anthro class was cancelled, so I slept in — till 10:30. …. “FEAR”
AB: The feeling you get when your friend turns around and catches you trying to be sneaky with her pen — that and, the feeling I have about whether or not my decision to not go back to camp this summer is a good one. [aka, making the right decision about lose/lose situations]. …. “LUST”
HC: Definitely a feeling I’m familiar w/. Better when experienced in the context of a significant relationship. I feel like I’ve had a lust for, cheesy as it sounds, Life. There is so much out there, and I want to know it, be it, have it ALL. …. “PASSION”
AB: —loss/absence of thinking. Any situation that exists in the absence of thinking or analysis — pure feeling. I may be passionately lustful, passionately interested/curious, passionately angry (the very rare), etc. I wish I was more passionate. ….”ROUTINE”
HC: (what is stopping you?) Something I sometimes wish I had more of. I like structure. But not too much. I want a flexible, moderately structured routine. …. “PROCEED WITH CAUTION”
AB: Something “cautious” people say — and most mothers. If I’m going to proceed, I’ve already chosen a direction — I might as well proceed w/ vigor! …. “DREAM”
HC: I wish I remembered my dreams more clearly. I wonder what my real life dreams are. What will it take to be satisfied? …. “SATISFACTION”
AB: Superficial — (i.e., the second after you light a bowl or masterbate). Satisfaction is either taking a break, not moving forward — it’s synonymous to a pause. …. “FREEDOM”
HC: Something I see being infringed upon by the government. Something I have to a certain degree, but wish I had more of. I wonder why I’ve been lucky enough to experience it. What is it like to live without freedom? …. “POWER”
AB: A temptation — there are many things that give us reason to live in this world. Power is one. Money another. Success, fame, etc. They are all empty. ….”FULFILLMENT”
HC: Something not all people will experience, something to strive for. Perhaps a developed form of satisfaction. ….”HOME”
AB: Any 120 x 40 yd field. …. “MEN”
HC: Love them, dislike some of them. Beautiful, confusing — secretly complex, yet still simple. …. “WOMAN”

Chili con carne w/ tomatoes

Ok, I’m a poor college student, and yet, still trying to eat well. This will be the start of what I hope to be a revolutionary dimension of my blogosphere… Hopefully, this category of entries will inspire me to collect and create better and tastier dinner/dessert recipes. If you have any to add, PLEASE share; I’m begging you…

CHILI CON CARNE w/ TOMATOES:

1 pound ground beef/turkey
1 cup chopped onion
1 cup chopped green pepper
1 can (28 oz) tomatoes
1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon cayenne red pepper
1/8 teaspoon paprika
1 can (15.5 oz) kidney beans, drained

• In a large skillet, cook & stir meat, onion & green pepper until meat is brown and onion is tender. Drain off fat. Stir in tomatoes (w/ liquid) & remaining ingredients except kidney beans.
• Heat to boiling. Reduce heat; cover & simmer for 2 hours, stirring occassionally. Stir in kidney beans; heat through; (makes 4 or 5 cups)

Desktop Images

I had this thought last night, but I can’t remember what it was: ah-ahh! “Desktops.” That’s it. I haven’t had a bright idea in a long while, but this is a good one. In an age where we can’t get enough visual stimulation, it occurred to me that one feature about my computer that I really like is the freedom to set my own picture on the desktop. I like the options on the computer and I like taking pictures and setting them as my background (some fancy computers even let you have an active slide show background, which is even cooler!).

But then it occurred to me that I spend a near majority of my time on the computer inside other folders… that’s it!—- changing the background in ALL our folders. That would be so sweet; revolutionary even. We could put different pictures in all our folders, or even put them all on scramble so that each new folder would have a precious personal picture in the background.

I think Mr. Gates would give me a high-5 for this one…

Diatribe IV.

Diatribe IV: New Year’s Night.

Last night I was ready to die. I felt my mortality in full force for the first time, and felt indifferent to it. I couldn’t have cared less. I was ready for anything and would be who I was regardless of anyone or anywhere. I was hard. And I scared myself, but there was nothing I could do. This was my headspace. I would have fought anyone; I would have provoked anyone. I would have sought to intimidate anyone who thought they were someone, but in the end, I found myself back in the arms of an old love, would still hasn’t learned to let me go. That seems to be too common these days. And sure, I should take some responsibility, right? It takes two to tango, right? I’ve been accused of dating the same types of women before. But I really disagree. There’s something more fundamental at work here, I insist. I just be me. And maybe I’ll say this about it: every interaction, every relationship is generally perfect until I quit. I’ve been dumped before, but not since 7th grade. Since I’ve come into my own, I generally find myself effortlessly treating my partner better then they’ve ever been treated. Striving to meet and surpass their needs, often before they even know they desire something. No fights, no games. They give into me, and I show them a world they’ve never dreamed. A world that is real, and interactive. A world that is wide and vast, and accessible. I articulate the moment. I bring significance to any moment. I know this about myself. I’ve been told even. It’s unfair to take these things about me for granted, but I’m convinced that it is how I’ve been. I’m convinced that my partners would all agree. But the game ends for me. The engagement becomes lopsided, and I feel a dependency that I cannot return. It’s unfair, I know. I demand all of this power; subconsciously persuade these people to completely trust me, and give into me, and afford me the freedom to take risks, and be mysterious, and be unpredictable… and when finally, they submit, I either grow bored or uncomfortable. Maybe I should say out loud, just so I hear it, that I enjoy overcoming everything that people thought they were. I like to challenge them. I have nothing particular in mind, no real goal other than to set achievable challenges for them (and myself) that return favorably. In the end, people fall for me. Give in to me. Submit and follow me. Hunger for me. I must ask, is this really what I want? Do I have a goal in mind, or am I just fucking with people? Am I making people’s lives better? How can I know? Who am I to be riding my high horse? I could easily go so far as to say that I do this with all of my interactions. With men, women alike. With partners, homies, friends and family. With teachers, and teammates, with campers and students. I win them over. I challenge the boundaries. I demand attention, and respect, and allegiance. But it’s all effortless, I swear. I’m like a machine, programmed to engage other consciousness in this way. I impress myself upon people, and though they may be talking, they’re really the one’s doing the listening. And none of it hurts me, until I realize that I take away something from them when I turn my back. This is my one life’s tragedy. This is my pitiful comedy. This is my weakness. My egotism spreads so far as to assert that I actually hurt people in my absence. It’s true. I’ll admit that I feel that too many differing degrees. But rest assured, this is the very thing that pains me. I wish it wouldn’t be so. Honestly. Lately, I’ve strived to not open myself up to others because I am afraid of myself. Afraid of the power I (could) have over people. The irony is that some people are hurt when they realize that you refuse to open up, or that you refrain from opening fast enough for them. In these ways, one way or another, I can’t win. Down deep, I think everyone is desperate to wear their heart on their sleeve. Not me. I just don’t want to be sad. And so, I’ve stopped dating; or at least on paper. But that doesn’t really change things. I think the single thing that wears on me is the feeling I have that others have expectations for me—to wow and impress them. To amuse them and open them to themselves and to the world. To entertain. To resolve. To inspire — they all want such things from me… and the most trying part is that I know I can give these to them. To anyone. But how to choose? I have one life to live, and there is not enough time in my day to make room for everyone. Plus, some people don’t deserve me, right? Who are you to argue with me if you dare? In my weeks of nostalgic introspection, I can’t help but feel this overwhelming propensity towards sadness. At least the experience of it. I said the other day that I really need a good funeral. Something that might really move me. I’ve forgotten the quality of sadness. I’ve become too indifferent to misfortune, and negative emotion. I’ve become impenetrable—even to myself. I beg for the day where someone challenges me in ways that help me grow. In ways that inspire me. Leah Proctor once attempted to address some of these concerns after I had recently broken up with Laney. She said, “Aaron, you bring something out in people, and when you leave, it’s like you take that away.” This past week, Wolf and I have been out and about just trippin’. With acute observation, Wolf has watched me be on point at Alex Payne’s and at Maria’s house party (with Ira and friends). He watched the effortlessness. Sometimes it stuns me just as much, but I’ve grown a bit more indifferent to the wonder of it all. I just slip in and out of anywhere I please with a confidence and an ease. If I’m on, there’s just no stopping it. At least not yet. I can’t help but feel that it will all hit the wall soon enough. I’m no nice guy, and I have no self-delusions of being able to maintain this forever. There’s no balance to it all. I take, take, take. And it seems that all I give are incomplete perspective, and empty promises. This is not sustainable; eventually I will have reached the masses, and my secret will be out. I will be found. I am an evil magician of sorts. I’ve often recognized that I could strive to be pure good, or fall, and be pure bad. What’s to stop me? I manipulate, but it seems passive and appropriate to others. But I swear, if they only could follow me around, they would see the in-genuine nature of it all. They would seem themselves the fool, the pawn. Again, Wolf has been following all break, and yet he couldn’t see. To him, it’s all still an impressive gift. He’s still awestruck. He told me that I am the most interesting person to watch in a social scene, that I can’t help but be nice to people. That I can’t help but win them over. That I constantly seem to impress and amaze people. And that I was passive aggressive about it all. This was his language. His only challenge to me was to provide him an example of when I was angry with someone. Where I didn’t have patience from someone. He was curious. But he paints me to be too virtuous, can’t he see? Inside, I am a raging egotist. Caught and lost in the personal. Delusioned and insincere. You could be anyone, anywhere, and you’ll get the same from me—though it may play out in different ways. I make myself addicting, and that, again, is the tragedy. Don’t you see. I have endless thanks for those that learn to turn their backs. That’s one less person I have to worry about. One less person that I am concerned with living up to. One less set of expectations placed on myself on their behalf. As I sit here, in my room, listening to Mac Dre, staring at the same wall decorations that have been in my room since I can remember, I see a plaque on the wall that reads, “Aaron—‘Bringer of Light,’ The Lord is my light and my salvation; The Lord is the strength in my life of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1). I don’t know why it so rooted in religious rhetoric, but the title is very curious, no? “Bringer of Light.” Before I was even born, this was my predestined identity. Many things happened to me yesterday night that made me re-think. Clearly, 2005 was the most difficult year of my life. From the ultimate, to the relationships, to the academics, to the financial troubles, and beyond—every aspect of me prevailed in some way. And though I can’t help but feel the lurking, forthcoming demise of Aaron Bell, I was able to ward off these potential set-backs — not without the help of others of course. I must admit that I would not have made it otherwise. But, somehow, someway, I’ve been awarded a fresh start. Hannah, the four year old video-gamer helped me realize that. Greg and his relationship with Rose, and her subsequent long talk with Wahn about past physical abuse helped me realize that. Schleicher and his unwavering vulnerability to Michelle helped me realize that. The new marriage of Kyle and Karen, and of Jeremy and Caitlyn, helped me realize that. Whippets on 6th and National helped me realize that. Saying, “She just wants to suck. My. Dick.” on the phone after I threw my broken phone to the ground helped me realize that. Shifting from one conversation to the next, like a game in the presence of my self and wolf, helped me realize that. Rachel Waid, in all of her strength, and all of her heart, helped me realize that. She helped me feel what it means to love. I could cry right now if she told me that I helped her feel the same. Julie Perreth, in all her difference and all her similarity, helped me see that. Giving that 39 year old a Blatz and a ride, helped me see that. Calling out that chick who I thought licked the street pole, and making all 8 people around her chill out for a minute, helped me realize that. Getting kicked out of that warehouse party, and almost starting a fight, but instead, chillin’ out and allowing the bouncers to wish me a Happy New Years, help me. Tresca calling me 3 or 4 times, getting me to come back to Schleicher’s, and kicking Balke out of Wahn’s bed, really helped me out. Schleicher’s friendship, and Wahn’s honesty. Shoop’s warmth, and our entire, general comradery gave me a strength that I’ve only taken for granted. A strength that mysteriously, and for the first time, I was all too ready to give up only hours before—I wouldn’t take it from myself, but I dare and pity the person who would try to take it from me. When I grabbed that transvestite by the wrist, and threw her to the ground after reaching her hands into my pockets, I was able to come back down to earth, and for the first time in a long while, I re-found my footing. 2005 was a fucking ride. And I’m glad it’s over. And I’m ready for 2006. I’ma take control or die. And that’s just how it is.

EGO Gear

Here’s a look at the gear. $15 for shorts. $22 for tops. Email Bell: bell dot egotime at gmail dot com.

The jeresy. No numbers. All love.

Close up on the patagucci.

The Shorts. Sooo philthy.

Sup.

Arrrgghh!…

Ego Gear, … ya heard.

uh, uh, … brush dat dirt off ya shoulders…

nah wit I mean?

“Go get yo’s, ninja…”